


when you're gone

by talktothesky



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Falling In Love, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Steve Rogers Friendship, M/M, Not Really Character Death, POV Steve Rogers, Pepper Potts & Steve Rogers Friendship, Post-Avengers (2012), Presumed Dead, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers and the 21st Century
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-15 09:32:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19293013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/talktothesky/pseuds/talktothesky
Summary: Steve's had to get used to many things in the 21st century but falling in love with Tony Stark might be the weirdest one yet.Especially because the man's dead.





	when you're gone

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ishipallthings](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ishipallthings/gifts).



> Dear ishipallthings, 
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading this story and that by the time you're done with it you'll be able to say you like it. I have to tell you that absolutely all the prompts you wrote were magnificent and I don't even remember how long it took me to choose just one of them. It felt impossible to pick. 
> 
> I'm very nervous about you reading the finished result because I hope you'll think I was able to do this incredible idea justice with my writing. 
> 
> Dear rest of the world, 
> 
> I also hope you enjoy this story. Excuse any mistakes you find, this story is unbeta'd: my usual beta (hi, Jaime!) has been busier than usual and I didn't want to burden him with more work. It also took me quite some time to write the story and looking for a beta kind of slipped my mind. 
> 
> Let me know what you all think of the fic <3

Steve has been told not once, not twice, maybe more than a hundred times, how good of a leader he is. He’s never told anyone before but this is a quality he knows he grew into, not one he was born with.

Before the Army and Project Rebirth and Captain America, he had never had the opportunity to lead anyone or anything. He was too sickly for it and, honestly, no one ever gave him the time of day and no one would have ever trusted him to do a good job at it. His aspect was the only thing most people could see and Steve’s appearance before the serum didn’t particularly scream _strong leader_.

It was only after he formed the Howling Commandos that Steve stepped into a leadership role and, if asked, he would never deny that he had his difficulties, especially at the very beginning, with being the head of the troop. It took him a long time to not second guess his every decision and, at times, he still did every time he closed his eyes. He got better at everything that being a leader entailed but it took practice and patience and support -a lot of support- from his friends and comrades. 

The question of whether or not Steve enjoys being a leader is more of a difficult one to answer. 

He takes pleasure in a job well done and he now finds it natural to guide people, to try and shape them into the best version of themselves they can be. He knows he’s not perfect at it but he’s grown to find pleasure in knowing his voice is heard after so many years of going ignored.

Other times Steve hates nothing more than having to be the Captain. 

He hates the constant anxiety of not knowing if his decision is the right one or not. He hates the guilt that comes when things don’t go according to plan and he can’t help but ponder over and over and over again the things he could have done differently, the things he could have made others do differently.

Being Captain America and becoming a leader hasn’t made Steve any less human -effects of the serum not counted- and that’s the side of things he hates. In fact, leading missions and having people depend on him and being the one giving the orders has only made Steve more sensitive to all kinds of emotions. Victories taste sweeter and defeats are more bitter. Anger and violence and rage are all enhanced. Pain is also more potent.

Steve hated being a leader when he lost Bucky because it wasn’t just his fault as his best friend but also as his commanding officer. He hated having to be the one always making the sacrifice when he put the plane down into the ice. He hated still being viewed as Captain America when he woke up 70 odd years into the future and people still looked at him for guidance. 

He hates being the leader now, here, in the middle of this battlefield, a space portal open right above them as hundreds and hundreds of horrendous alien creatures are trying to destroy New York. 

He hates having to be the one to make the call. But he has to make it. 

Stark sent that nuke up into the portal but he’s not coming down and Steve knows they need to close it as soon as possible. 

He waits. One second. Two. The third second feels eternal.

And because he is the leader he makes the call, the one no one wants to make but they all know is necessary.

“Close it,” he orders Natasha and she obeys. 

The portal closes and Stark doesn’t come back down.

Stark and him might have not been friends but this is something Steve will never get over as a leader.

 

 _______________________________

  

Even after battles are over Steve’s job never is.

There are always still people to help, debriefs to be had, sometimes even decisions to be explained to people who are higher in the chain than he is.

There also tends to be a team to congratulate or console depending on the outcome of the situation. This time, he has to do a little bit of both.  

The Avengers are nothing but a mismatch of people brought together out of necessity and this sets Steve off-balance because the team he used to have -the team he lost only a few months ago according to his own living experiences- was more like a family than a simple work group.

He tries to find the right words to say to each of the remaining Avengers and, overall, he thinks he doesn't do too badly. Thor smiles at him. Romanoff gives him a nod -which might be an even bigger achievement-. Barton is still too in his head to even acknowledge him and Banner is lost looking into space so Steve just walks silently past where he’s sitting.

Steve tries to think what he would have told Stark if he were here but the pain is surprisingly too raw when he wonders about it for too long.

They don’t even have a body they can bury, Steve realizes. 

It hits too close to home and for a second Steve is back in that train watching as his best friend falls down hundreds of feet down from a mountain as Steve can do nothing to help. 

Bucky’s body was lost somewhere in a mountain just as Stark’s body is now lost somewhere up in space, floating aimlessly and with no way of ever being returned home.

He goes to Romanoff because he knows she is the only one who knew Stark before and because, for some weird reason, Steve knows she’s the one most likely to always tell him the truth and to speak to him as an equal.

“Did he have any family?” Steve asks her. “Stark, I mean. I know Howard…”

Steve has to clear his throat and look away for a second before making eye contact with her again. 

“I know his parents are dead but… Did he have anyone we should talk to?”

Romanoff nods. 

“His best friends,” she replies. “Pepper Potts and Colonel James Rhodes. They will… They’ll be the one handling Tony’s affairs, I’m sure.”

Steve thanks her and walks away, already thinking of his work ahead. 

The battle is over but he’s still a leader and it’s his duty to make sure even the people that didn’t make it get the respect they deserve. 

Steve didn't think he would but Stark made the ultimate sacrifice and he’s going to make sure his best friends know he died a hero.

 

_______________________________

 

Steve isn’t actually the one to tell Miss Potts or Colonel Rhodes the news about Stark’s death.

The world already knows, of course, after having witnessed what has now been baptized as The Battle of New York, so they do as well. They did as soon as it happened, as it was streamed and televised and radio narrated live in thousands of channels and by hundreds of people.

Memorials and tributes start happening almost immediately and Steve remembers one of the few conversations he had with Stark one on one, the one in the helicarrier after Agent Coulson died.

“We’re not soldiers,” Stark had said.

He might not have thought of himself as one but the ceremony his death has brought reminds Steve of fallen soldiers, of their funerals and the ways they are remembered.

Iron Man was one of Earth’s greatest defenders right until the end and maybe that does make Stark something other than a soldier, even something other than a hero. Maybe it makes him immortal in a way, with the way people are making sure to honor him and never forget his sacrifice. 

Steve meets Stark’s best friends during his funeral, the one they are holding more for the public that for Stark’s real loved ones. 

It’s a long affair and Steve attends it for his condition of Captain America, not his being Steve Rogers. In this odd new century that’s all Steve’s mostly been: 90% of the time Captain America, 5% of the time Steve Rogers and the other 5% something still unknown. 

Miss Potts looks very proper and put together in her black dress and Colonel Rhodes looks very stoic in his service uniform but Steve doesn’t need to look too closely to see the tightness around their eyes, the matching bags under their eyes and the way they both have to squint every now and again as if trying to will the tears away. 

Steve’s hesitant to approach them at first but he feels the duty deep in his bones so he steps forward until he finds himself right in front of both of them. There’s a few people around that are obviously also interested in giving them their condolences so Steve wants to make sure he can keep things short.

“Miss Potts. Colonel Rhodes,” he greets somberly. 

Both of them note his presence and Steve catches how Rhodes stands a little taller upon seeing him. Steve salutes him almost immediately, like an instinct, even though he’s not in his own uniform and he doesn’t really feel it in his heart. Colonel Rhodes salutes him back.

Miss Potts gives him a soft smile.

“Hello, Captain,” she greets him back. “Thank you for being here.”

Steve bows his head a little. 

“Stark—Mr. Stark—“ Steve stumbles over his words, not entirely sure how to handle the situation. “Tony deserves it. He saved us all. He was a real hero.”

Colonel Rhodes breaks his serious demeanor to chuckle ironically. 

“He kind of would have hated to hear that,” Rhodes informs him. “Tony didn’t do these things… He wasn’t Iron Man for the heroics or the glory… He was just…”

“It was just who he was,” Miss Potts finishes for him. 

_Big man in a suit of armor. Take that off, what are you?_

“I’m sad I didn’t get to see who he was properly,” Steve laments sincerely.

Stark’s best friends share a short but obviously meaningful look. 

“Most people didn’t,” Miss Potts states.

Steve nods and, from the corner of his eye, he sees a couple walking arm in arm to where the three of them are. Miss Potts spots them too and she stands a little taller as soon as she does confirming Steve’s suspicions that these people are now approaching them and that they are obviously an important part of the duties Miss Potts and Colonel Rhodes have to assume today.

“I won’t take more of your time,” Steve says. “I just wanted to give you my condolences.”

Steve turns but before he can begin walking away Miss Pott’s voice calls him.

“Captain,” she says, making him turn around to face them again. 

She extends one of her arms towards him and, in her hand, she’s holding a small white card. 

“That’s my business card and you’ve got my cell number in there,” she informs him. “I would love to meet to speak more in a different setting.”

Steve frowns, confused. 

“Why?”

If he wasn’t so taken back by Miss Potts’ request he would have maybe found a way to not make the question sound so abrupt or even violent but Miss Potts doesn't seem to mind. She shrugs delicately and, once again, shares a look with Rhodes.

“I have a feeling that after what you went through Tony would have wanted to keep all of you, the Avengers, close together,” she says. “I guess with him gone… I want to keep you close to me, in a way.”

Steve nods but he doesn’t tell her that, apart from the glimpses he’s got of them throughout the funeral, he hasn’t seen or talked to any of the other Avengers since the Battle of New York. 

Steve’s not sure there’s even such a things as the Avengers.

“Just call me when you can so we can set up a time to meet,” Miss Potts requests. “Please.”

It’s that last word that convinces Steve to do it. Virginia Potts doesn’t seem like the type of woman to ask for things, much less ask for things that imploringly.

“I will,” he says, before retreating and leaving Stark’s best friends to listen to dozens more of consolations, well wishes and words of regret that won’t bring their Tony back to them.

 

_______________________________

 

It takes him a week to honor his promise and call Miss Potts and he tells himself all kinds of excuses for it: a SHIELD mission keeping him too busy, keeping up with his work-out routine, helping on relief and restoration around the City… 

But in the end he knows the truth and the truth is he feels a little afraid. A little apprehensive. It’s only after he remembers the exact tone of voice Miss Potts used when she said please to him that he picks up his cellphone provided by SHIELD and dials the number printed on the card she gave him.

The dial tone goes on and on and on until the voice on the other end on the line is telling him to leave a message after the tone. He hesitates and thinks about hanging up but he takes a deep breath and starts talking as soon as the beep informs him to.

“Hello, Miss Potts. It’s Steve. I mean, Captain Rogers. I… I was calling to see if we could set up that meeting that you wanted to? I know you must be very busy so I can work my schedule around your needs. I… I will be waiting for your call. Or a message. Just… Let me know. Thank you and have a good day.”

Despite his painfully awkward voicemail Miss Potts gets back in touch with him promptly, not even two hours later. They very easily set up a time to meet because Steve truly can work his schedule around her much busier one. 

Steve would have thought that the restaurant Miss Potts suggested would be upscale and elegant but a week later, when he arrives at the location five minutes before the time they decided on, he’s surprised to walk into a very homely Italian restaurant. It’s mostly empty and the tables are covered in red and white checkered table tops. The place smells deliciously and Steve’s stomach grumbles.

It takes him just 3 seconds to spot Miss Potts seated at one of the tables further in the back, her attention solely on the cellphone in her hand. She’s dressed a lot more casually than she was at the funeral, which of course makes a lot of sense, but it’s not the kind of fashion Steve would have pegged her to wear. She’s in just a plain, long-sleeved white t-shirt and jeans, her hair pulled back in a ponytail. She looks a lot more approachable that Steve has ever seen her, even if 95% of the times he’s caught glimpses of her it has been through a television. 

Steve squares up his shoulders as he starts walking towards her. It takes him only a few steps to reach the table and he clears his throat as soon as he’s standing in front of it. 

Miss Potts looks up and smiles at him.

“Captain Rogers,” she greets as she stands up. “It’s good to see you.”

The table is still between them and Miss Potts extends her hand across it so Steve can take it and shake it. 

“Miss Potts, it’s good to see you too.”

Miss Potts gently waves the hand that was previously shaking his.

“Please, just Pepper,” she asks.

“Only if you call me Steve,” Steve negotiates. 

Pepper chuckles lightly, just a breathe of air through her nose. 

“Okay, Steve,” she accepts. “Take a seat.”

She signals to the chair across from where she was sitting and he sits down as she does so too. It leaves them one in front of the other but before they can start talking again a waiter comes by to ask them for their drink order. 

The first several minutes are filled with small talk, mostly Pepper suggesting some of the restaurants dishes to him. A silence falls upon them as the waiter comes back again, this time to write down their food orders, and then leaves, leaving them both alone and with nothing to do but really talk or else the silence will still be keeping them company. 

Pepper’s the one to take the first step and break the silence.

“I wanted to thank you for calling me,” she says. “And for coming to meet me. It means a lot.”

Steve nods at her but it feels particularly difficult to look her in the eyes so he focuses his gaze on the salt shaker that’s placed on the right side of the table.

“Of course,” he says. “I still don’t know exactly why you wanted us to meet but I wasn’t going to say no.”

“I guess it can seem… strange, that I wanted to talk to you even though we had never met before,” Pepper agrees.

Steve stays silent but he nods again. Pepper sighs and that compels Steve to finally look at her. She’s wearing a sad smile on her face and her eyes aren’t focused on Steve. She’s looking towards the left and her eyes seem a little lost on some imprecise point of the restaurant. 

“I knew Tony better than anyone in the world except maybe Rhodey,” Pepper starts and Steve frowns lightly in confusion. “This past few years… Being Iron Man... It meant the world to him. He finally felt like he had found his calling.”

Pepper’s eyes seem to focus and they move abruptly to his trapping him in the blue of her gaze. Her eyes are filled with sorrow and Steve can understand the feeling perfectly, being well-versed in it himself.

“I bet you’re wondering what this has to do with you and with our meeting,” Pepper guesses, and she’s right. “I just… I know that if Tony was…” Her voice breaks and she has to take a deep breathe to steady it. “I know that if Tony was alive he would already be so invested in the idea of the Avengers. He’d be devoting himself to the team. He always thought of himself as not being a team player and maybe he wasn’t the best at it but…. Tony, he was… He gave his all to the things that mattered to him and I have this feeling deep in my heart that the team would have mattered a lot to him.” 

“Miss Potts. Pepper,” he corrects himself. “I don’t know how much there is of the team, of the Avengers. Barton and Romanoff work for SHIELD as I do but we don’t really work together. Thor’s off world as far as I know and Banner… I think he’s gone back to India. Or to some other place far away from here. It’s not like he told me.”

“I get it,” Pepper says. “You’re all your own people and the team up was more of a necessity kind of deal but… I think it could be so much more than that.”

They get interrupted by a different waiter this time, this one carrying their two plates with her. She quickly sets them down on their table and leaves with a smile and a wish for them to enjoy their food. 

Steve and Pepper go silent again as they start eating their food and Steve’s grateful for the break in the conversation because it gives him time to order his ideas and make sense of what he has heard Pepper say.

After he’s eaten a slice of his pizza Steve looks at Pepper again and she swallows the mouthful of pasta she had in her mouth and dabs delicately at her mouth with her cloth napkin.

“So, what is it that you’re saying?” Steve asks. “Or proposing?”

Pepper clears her throat and moves some of the food in her plate with the fork held in her right hand.

“The Tower is being renovated of the damage it suffered in the battle but we could… We could arrange it so you’d have rooms there, a floor for each of you. For the whole team,” she explains. “We could make it a headquarters of sorts. I don’t know… Something like an Avengers Tower?”

“I guess that would be convenient,” Steve considers. “But I already told you we’re not much of a team. And how would it benefit you?”

Steve watches as Pepper swallows harshly and takes a deep breathe before she speaks. There’s a slight tremble in her hands that Steve mostly notices because of how it makes the fork in her hand clink against the plate.

“I wasn’t the most supportive person in the world when Tony became Iron Man,” she starts explaining. “We were just beginning to explore our feelings for each other and I was so worried all the time about him, about what he was doing… I was constantly thinking of how I would lose him and how selfish he was for making me feel that afraid.”

 _“We’re not soldiers,”_ Tony had said and yet Pepper’s story reminds him of so many women he knew around his block in the 40s, women constantly dreading that visit that would let them know their husbands, sons or brothers wouldn't be making it back to them.

“Tony being Iron Man wasn’t the only reason why we ended up breaking up but it did play a part in it,” Pepper confesses. “At the time I didn’t understand that not accepting Iron Man meant not accepting Tony because it wasn't just something he did, it was who he was.”

Pepper reaches over and brings her glass of water to her lips. She sips slowly and Steve knows it’s a way to gain a few seconds to compose herself. She places it back on the table and gives him a sad smile.

“And now he’s gone. I’ve truly lost him,” Pepper laments. “He made the world so much better as Iron Man and he died saving so many people.”

“He died a hero,” Steve reiterates, feeling like this is the thousand time he’s repeated this since Tony died.

Maybe it’s because he feels like if he says it enough times it will make up for the way he didn't believe it at first. Like this is the repentance he has to do for ever doubting Tony’s worth. 

“He did,” Pepper agrees. “But our world still needs heroes, now more than ever. And he would have loved to help, I just know it. So I’ll do it for him, in any way I can.”

This time Steve is the one to reach over and take a gulp from his glass of water, suddenly feeling like his mouth is very dry.

“I’m not asking you to work for me. I’m not even asking you to regroup the Avengers if you really think under different circumstances the team won’t work,” Pepper promises him. “I’m just asking you to consider moving into the Tower so I could help you with anything you needed. So maybe Rhodey could help too. Even JARVIS perhaps, although I don’t know if you’ve ever formally met him.”

Steve shakes his head. 

“You’ll love him,” Pepper says, a smile on her face. “You’re a hero too, Steve. The world may not have Iron Man anymore but we’re lucky to still have Captain America. You’re a leader. People follow you. Maybe together we can protect this world like Tony did. I don’t have powers or anything like that but I have a company and I could use it to do some good with you.”

Pepper reaches over across the table and places her right hand over his left, squeezing gently. 

“For Tony, for his legacy.”

Legacy. What a word. 

Since the time Steve awoke from the ice he’s been able to see what the legacy he left behind became, what his memory inspired and what his name started to represent. He became more of a national symbol that he was even alive. He was used as a capitalist tool and as a social motivator for people. Captain America became, above all, a legend. People venerated him as Steve Rogers but all they actually praised was Captain America. Very few people were still around to remember his as he truly was. Peggy and the Commandos, that’s all. Howard, maybe. 

And here is Pepper Potts, one of the few people in the world who is still remembering and mourning Tony Stark over Iron Man. Because yes, even though they were only one person there was still a difference between them and Pepper wants to honor Tony for who he was. Steve wants to think his friends did the same for him.

Steve Rogers over Captain America.

Tony Stark over Iron Man.

Their legacies as men and their legacies as heroes.

“Okay,” Steve agrees. “I can’t promise you the Avengers but I can give you myself, for what’s it worth.”

“Oh, Steve,” Pepper whispers, squeezing his hand once again. “It’s worth a lot.”

 

_______________________________

 

Steve is a good leader even when he’s not trying to be. 

He’s been told it’s because he inspires people, moves them to action and ignites a flame in them. Sometimes he thinks it’s because people are trying to impress him, because they think causing a good impression in Captain America will give them points in life. Other times he thinks it’s because people are maybe afraid of him, that they’re terrified if they don’t meet the standards they believe Captain America has he will retaliate against them.

No matter the reason, Steve is a good leader even when he’s not trying to be. People follow him even when he doesn't ask them to. 

That’s what happens with the Avengers as Steve moves into Stark Tower even when the restoration works are still in progress.

It starts with Clint and Natasha, who Steve is still not sure he’s ever seen separated since the Battle of New York. 

Bruce follows, appearing one morning in the Tower as Pepper is walking him to his rooms.

Thor is a surprising case because Steve would have never taken him as a follower and also because he’s not entirely sure of how Thor found out the rest of them had all moved to the Tower.

In the end, although Pepper never asked him for the Avengers and he never promised he’d be able to reunite them, the Avengers is what they have. All under the same roof. Not quite a team but still close enough to work together.

The world still has its heroes, willing to fight for them. Maybe that’s all they can ask for.

 

_______________________________

 

There’s many things in the 21st century Steve still has to get used to and he feels like the list has only grown since he moved into the now official Avengers Tower.

Pepper was right when she told him he would love meeting JARVIS -the idea that something as advanced as him existed blew Steve’s mind the first time he had a conversation with him- but he still gets startled by him at times. He’s still not in the mentality of asking him for things he needs to make more use of him, just like he hasn't yet gotten used to the incredible technology he could use if he so desired. 

The difference in food is also something that still astounds him and he finds himself overwhelmed with choices and flavors. 

The different social climate, and the subtle cultural changes, and the political differences all around the world, and the different fashion sense, and aliens, and gods, and super spies, and robots, and the different buildings he spots around Brooklyn the few times he goes to visit.

The differences in his own person. 

It’s all so overwhelming. 

He’s not sure he knows who he is anymore and he has no one around to remind him. Bucky’s gone. Peggy’s alive, but he’s been so afraid to go see her again after the first time he visited her when it only served to break his heart and confuse her mind. Every single one of the Commandos is dead, too. 

Steve never had many people in his life but the ones he had meant the world to him.

And now his world is gone and it’s been replaced by a new confusing one.

An enormous Tower for a house in the heart of Manhattan. Four teammates that he doesn’t really know. The CEO of one of the world’s biggest companies discussing publicity strategies and funding opportunities for his team with him.

It’s all so overwhelming and Steve feels about ready to explode every morning when he wakes up.

His legs feel so heavy and his arms refuse to cooperate when he wills them to move. He opens his eyes before the sun’s even out but it takes him hours to actually get up. It’s like he’s underwater and he can somehow breathe but he can’t swim to the surface of the ocean. He’s trapped. He’s trapped and no one is there to save him. He can’t even save himself.

The Tower doesn't feel like home. The team doesn't feel like family. He doesn’t feel like himself at all.

He wonders if the world will ever feel right again. He wonders if there’s a chance he will ever truly belong.

 

 _______________________________

 

The Avengers have their second mission two and a half months after the Battle of New York. It’s nothing near as big as that fight had been but it’s important enough that the five of them need to step out of the Tower together to deal with it. 

They work well together, not perfectly or effortlessly but synchronized enough, understanding each other’s moves better than the first time. Steve can see Pepper was right as they wrap up the situation quickly and with very limited damage: being closer to each other has helped them become a better team and that benefits the world. They might not be a family or even real friends, maybe they will never be, but they can become a great squad. 

Steve stays behind a little longer to deal with the press and some civilians, all in the way Pepper, him and a team of Stark Industries’ professionals have discussed and planned for a while.

He’s the leader of the Avengers and that means becoming the prominent face for them too. 

He makes it back to the Tower three hours after he sent the rest of the team there. He’s still wearing his uniform and he feels clammy with sweat and dirt. He’s limping lightly from a bad fall he took during the fight but he can thankfully feel himself healing already and he sighs in relief at not having to visit SHIELD medical. 

He crosses paths with Pepper in the foyer. She's about to exit the building just as he’s walking inside and she changes her trajectory to reach him.

“Steve!” she greets him, sounding worried. “Are you alright? Did everything go okay?”

“Yes,” he assures her. “Everything’s fine. It wasn’t that bad of a fight and I’ve taken care of things just as we planned. It actually…. Well, I have to say things went very smoothly thanks to some of your plans.”

Pepper smiles softly and Steve thinks he can see her flush a little under the light make-up she’s wearing. 

“I’m just happy to help in any way I can,” she says. 

Steve smiles back at her and gestures to his body with one of his hands. 

“I’m going to go shower and change now,” he explains and Pepper’s eyes widen.

“Of course, yeah,” Pepper exclaims. “Go do that and have some rest. It’s very well deserved.”

He nods his head at her as a goodbye and starts walking towards the elevator that will take him to his private floors but he abruptly stops in the middle of the foyer when he hears Pepper call out his name again. 

She jogs towards him, making it look so graceful even in her very tall heels.

“I just wanted to say that Rhodey, I mean Colonel Rhodes, is coming tonight to have dinner with me and I was wondering if you would like to join us,” she asks.

Steve feels tired and weary and his first instinct is to turn down the invitation. Pepper is always nice to him but they’re not really friends either, and he hasn’t seen Colonel Rhodes since Tony’s funeral happened. The idea of spending an evening with them having to make polite small talk feels daunting and he doesn’t think he would be able to handle it even on a normal day. 

But then he thinks of going back to his quarters and taking a shower before getting into his big bed to spend most of the night staring up into the ceiling. He thinks of closing his eyes to try and fall asleep only to see the faces of everyone’s he’s lost. He thinks of waking up disoriented after only a few hours of sleep, not sure what year it is, not sure where he’s at. 

He might not be excited about the idea of a social gathering with Pepper Potts and Colones James Rhodes but it does beat the other options he has for the night. 

That’s why he ends up nodding and smiling at Pepper, and accepting her invitation. 

 

_______________________________

 

The night does start off a little awkwardly for Steve. 

He feels mostly like a third wheel seated across from both Pepper and Rhodey -as the man asked Steve to call him- and he doesn't contribute much to the conversation. It’s so obvious they both have know each other for such a long time and that they have a deep and true bond, and above all it makes Steve sadder and lonelier to watch them. 

They both lost one of their best friends and Steve wouldn’t wish that kind of grief on anyone in the world but he feels envious because, in the end, they can share their pain with each other. Meanwhile, Steve’s all alone. 

He mustn’t do a very good job at hiding his discomfort for long because the conversation completely changes when Pepper steals a glance at him. 

She starts asking Steve about himself, about his experiences since he woke up from the ice and his memories as Captain America.

Steve keeps most of the answers short but truthful and, little by little, he starts relaxing into the talk. Before he knows it his responses get more insightful and prompt both Pepper and Rhodey to make comments, to laugh, to share some of their own experiences in life with him.

It’s easy in a way few things have been lately and Steve feels warmth growing in his chest as the night goes by.

It’s with such a small comment by the time they’re all finishing their dessert that the conversation moves towards Tony.

Steve’s talking about his USO days a little nostalgically but with humor in his voice and he’s making Pepper giggle with some of his comments. Rhodey is nodding along as he devours his second piece of cheesecake and even the corners of his lips curl up from time to time as Steve speaks.

“But really,” Steve says. “I know no one would expect this answer from me but my favorite part of the shows was the little kids. I felt so useless doing that stupid tour but the kids… They made me feel important. They were always so enthusiastic.”

Pepper coos at him.

“That’s so sweet,” she tells him. “I can just imagine all the little kids dressing up as Captain America even then.”

“They did,” Steve laughs. “Some had handmade shields and it was so adorable when they’d come to show me.”

Seeing the impact the person he had become had on kids didn’t exactly made him feel worthwhile or heroic but it kept him from feeling completely useless. Those kids, those innocent kids that had only known war for so long, saw in him a hope that things would get better and that was at least a reason to feel a little proud.

“I remember the first time Tony saw a little kid dressed up as Iron Man,” Rhodey comments. “He teared up.”

Steve raises one of his eyebrows. “He did?”

Pepper chuckles lightly. “I remember that too! It was so sweet and Tony was so… baffled.”

Her eyes turn from looking at Rhodey to gazing into the horizon a little bit, focused on some faraway point, glazing over as if lost in her own mind. 

“He never believed he was good with kids but he was. He loved them. And kids loved him right back.”

A lone tear escapes from the corner of her left eye and although she quickly wipes it away with her ring finger Steve catches the short path it walks. Pepper presses her lips together until they turn white and she rests the tips of her fingers on them, like trying to control a sound she doesn't want to escape her mouth. Maybe it’s a sob, Steve thinks as more tears start gathering in her eyes.

“Remember that time at a charity event when Tony spent more than an hour flying kids around on the suit?” Rhodey asks, his voice sounding heavier than before. “He wouldn’t go higher than a couple inches from the ground but the kids went crazy.”

“Oh,” Pepper murmurs and then a laugh bubbles over on her throat and escapes even through the fingers that still cover her mouth. “Yes, yes, I remember.” 

“He even had them do little poses and everything,” Rhodey remembers and although it’s less obvious than it is on Pepper his eyes look suspiciously misty too. 

Steve’s not completely sure what it is that compels him to talk. Maybe it’s the way Pepper’s and Rhodey’s faces look -sad but proud and a little resigned-. Maybe it’s the way the story is also making him smile. Perhaps it’s the way this is the most comfortable he’s felt in months and the fact that he doesn’t want to lose the feeling yet. 

“That sounds really sweet,” is what he comments.

Pepper nods and turns her wistful smile on him. 

“It was.” A glint suddenly appears on her eyes, lighting up her face as she looks up towards the ceiling. “Actually, JARVIS, you must have some footage of that, don’t you?”

JARVIS’ voice when it comes agitates Steve like it always does. 

“Indeed, Miss Potts,” JARVIS answers. “Would you like me to play it for you?”

Pepper and Rhodey look at each other and share radiant smiles, their faces shining brighter that Steve’s ever seen them.

But before Pepper agrees she turns back to him.

“Would you mind, Steve?” she enquires. 

Steve blinks at her, surprised at being considered in the situation. He feels touched once he internalizes the question and it makes him smile back at her. 

“I’d actually love to see it,” he replies honestly. 

JARVIS doesn't wait for the go ahead and he directly starts projecting the images Pepper and Rhodey had been describing before. 

There are around ten kids running and jumping around in the video and the sound of their delighted screams is so loud Steve winces for a second until it balances out. 

In the middle of everything there’s Tony Stark, in his full Iron Man suit except for the helmet. His face is completely uncovered and he’s wearing a huge, jovial smile. He’s got a small boy in his arms, his forearms to the boy’s stomach and chest, leaving the kid laid down in the air. The boy can’t be older than four years old and he’s got one of his short arms stretched out making a fist, like he’s pretending to fly through clouds in the sky. Tony really is hovering only a few inches from the ground and he’s moving very slowly to create a little bit of movement, making a slight breeze ruffle the boy’s hair. 

As soon as Tony puts down that little boy he gets surrounded by a handful of other children all grappling for his attention.

Tony chooses a little girl this time and brings her confidently to his shoulders. Instead of sitting her on them he instructs her to put her feet on each shoulder and grab the suit’s gauntlets with her hands. The girl’s blonde pigtails sway as Tony moves her around and she looks overjoyed for the whole twenty seconds she’s up there.

For five more minutes this is all Tony does: he takes a little kid and flies them around carefully and safely, very noticeably making them feel like heroes of their own. 

It’s all so sweet and endearing that it keeps Steve’s complete heed for the entirety of the recording. He can hear Pepper quietly sniffing but his eyes stay focused on the images playing in front of him. 

Pepper was absolutely right: Tony really was good with kids. 

_Big man in a suit of armor. Take that off, what are you?_

Tony was so much more than Steve could have known. 

The video is still playing when Steve says, “He seems… great.”

The images fade away as soon as Steve pronounces the sentence and he turns around to face Pepper and Rhodey again. Their hands are joined over the table as if they're both taking strength from the other and their faces both show tear tracks. 

Steve hasn’t known them for long but the kind of devotion he can see in their expressions is humbling. Tony Stark inspired that and Steve thinks that says something -maybe everything- about the kind of man he was.

“He seems really great,” he reiterates. 

 

_______________________________

 

It feels like that night creates something special between himself, Pepper and Rhodey. 

The three of them are busy people, Pepper and Rhodey especially, but they start making as much time for each other as they can. 

Pepper living in the Tower and managing Avengers’ business means Steve gets to see her quite regularly but they both make an effort to not make all the time they spend together be related to work. 

They bond greatly over art, something Pepper is very well-versed in and something Steve hasn’t been able to focus on in a very long time. He tells her about the time when he dreamt he would maybe dedicate his life to it, go to art school in Brooklyn and soak in all the knowledge he could. She takes him to museums and little art galleries very few people seem to know of but she donates to often. She encourages him when he tells her he’s thinking of signing up to some courses and hugs him when he gifts her a portrait of her for her birthday. 

Steve and Rhodey are able to spend less time together but they quickly create a connection in the way only people with similar experiences can, in a way that Steve’s only been able to create with fellow soldiers. They spar together and Rhodey never minds the fact that Steve can always beat him, saying it’s improving his skills better than any other kind of fighting could. They drink and laugh together and, every once in a while, they whisper to each other about the sleepless nights and the memories. 

The Tower still doesn't feel like home and Steve can’t shake the feelings of being an outsider still but Pepper and Rhodey start making things a little bit better. 

Steve, piece by piece, starts confiding in them.

He tells Pepper one day of how he reminds her of Peggy a little, how strong she was, how she challenged every limit the world wanted to set for her. 

He showers Rhodey in stories about the Commandos, the rowdy ones and the funny ones and the hardest ones too.

Bucky comes up in some of their conversations and for the first time in a long time saying his best friend’s name doesn’t feel like blasphemy. He talks about their time as kids and he talks about their times as adults and it feels fitting and liberating to finally be honoring in some way. 

And, thankfully, he knows he’s also helping them back.

Pepper and Rhodey both find in him a person with whom to share everything and anything they miss about Tony. Every little anecdote, every song that reminds them of him, the remembrance of first meetings, the regrets of what they could have done better, the missed opportunities, the hurt.

It all started with that footage with the kids but after that it’s like the dam’s been broken, like they were holding so much in too and now it’s spilling out of them steadily. 

Tony Stark may not be alive but Pepper Potts and James Rhodes are making sure that his memory never dies. 

 

_______________________________

 

“Oh man,” Rhodey says, beer in hand and sprawled out on Steve’s couch. “Tony was just this little squirt back then, smarter than anyone and everyone at freaking MIT and causing trouble every other day.”

Steve smiles as he brings his own beer bottle to his lips and takes a long sip from it. 

“He once almost blew up the entire chemistry building,” Rhodey reminisces. “And I remember him just showing up to our dorm covered in ash and his hair sticking up like a real mad scientist. But he had the biggest grin on his face! I thought the guy was crazy!”

“So you decided to adopt him,” Steve teases.

Rhodey groans, “Yeah, I guess I did.”

(It helps, hearing Rhodey speak about Tony in the way he knows Bucky would speak about him. It helps knowing that maybe in another life Tony and Bucky could be the one commiserating and remembering Rhodey and Steve.)

 

_______________________________

 

Pepper takes him as her date to a Maria Stark Foundation gala and she walks him arm in arm around the room for the whole night. They chat with various politicians and shake more hands that Steve can count and sip from their champagne flutes as they watch various people take the stage and accept their awards. 

Pepper uses him as an excuse to bow out of the party early and takes him to a hamburger joint in the middle of Harlem that only serves two types of burgers but over twenty-five types of milkshakes.

“Tony brought me here for the first time,” Pepper comments as Steve sips on the best milkshake he’s ever tried in his life -strawberry, raspberry, white chocolate and honey-. “He loved going places  that are like this: small, family owned, kind of off the grid.”

Steve looks around the establishment. 

“It reminds me a little bit of the places I used to go to in the 40s,” Steve says. “I’ve tried to go to some of the places that advertise how classic or vintage they are but they all wrong.”

Pepper shakes her head a little, a smile on her face, and takes a sip of her own beverage. 

“Tony would have loved to introduce you to all these 21st century things,” Pepper says. “The big ones and the small ones.”

“You think?” Steve asks.

“Surely,” Pepper confirms. “Like for example, have you watched Star Wars yet?”

(It starts with Star Wars and then Star Trek follows. Pepper makes him a list of most of Tony’s favorite bands and Steve is both fascinated and a little scared of the music he listens to from it.  She even shares some of Tony’s scientific and engineering papers and achievements with Steve and everything blows his mind and astounds him. It’s eye opening and revealing and enthralling. And although it makes him feel a little guilty, for the first time he feels a bout of excitement to be able to experience all these things in this time.)

 

_______________________________

 

Rhodey shows him Iron Patriot after he comes to the Tower still in the suit from a mission just recently wrapped up.

“War Machine is what Tony preferred to call it,” Rhodey informs him.

He flies it around Steve and performs a demonstration for every single one of the added features it has and they both are excited to try sparring as Rhodey wears it. It’s thrilling and a fun challenge to Steve, who even gets to use the shield.

The suit is a work of genius, even Steve can tell, and his more sensitive side even sees it as a work of art. 

“I know how to operate this thing and I’m honored Tony thought of me to wear it but…” Rhodey swallows heavily. “It’s not me in the way Iron Man was Tony.”

(The next time the Avengers fight together -the third in total- Steve swears he can see the shadow of where Iron Man could have been next to them if Tony hadn’t died. He wonders if Tony’s moves would resemble Rhodey’s or if he’d had his own distinctive style. He also ponders if Tony would be that missing piece he often feels is missing between them, the one keeping them from being more than just a group of individuals thrown together by circumstance. Maybe without Iron Man that’s all the Avengers strive to be.)

 

_______________________________

 

Pepper rarely talks about the short time she and Tony dated but the few times she does she always talks about it in a positive light. She’s said more than once that her and Tony weren't meant to last but never does she once blame the break up on him. 

She sometimes shows Steve gifts Tony gave her and the look in her eyes is proof enough of how valuable sentimentally they all are to her. 

She speaks fondly about the trip to Paris they took for the Valentine’s day they were dating.

Once, when she’s had a few glasses of wine during dinner, she even tells him a story about Tony in  bed that never fails to make his cheeks flush every time he remembers it. 

All in all, Pepper believes she was lucky to date Tony for the time she did.

“He thought he was a bad boyfriend but he wasn’t,” Pepper proclaims. “Just because we didn’t work out doesn't mean someone wouldn't have been very lucky to have ended up with him.”

(When Steve had woken up from the ice he found out Peggy had ended up with a man named Daniel Sousa, and every time Steve thinks about it he hopes the man knew how fortunate he was. He can’t help but wonder what Tony would have thought about Steve’s clumsy attempts at romance. Would Tony have given him pointers for the future? Would he have helped Steve be half the partner Pepper remembers Tony to be? Steve believes he would have had much to learn from Tony, in this aspect and others.)

 

_______________________________

 

Maybe he shouldn’t find it surprising -not with how things have developed in the last couple of months in his life- but one day Steve wakes up and he realizes how easy sleep has started coming to him compared to how it used to be only a short while ago.

The nightmares still happen and there are nights when fog floods his lungs and electricity paralyzes his muscles, but they’re getting easier to deal with now, maybe because Steve knows he’ll be able to actually get better sleep the next night. 

Before, there was an abyss in front of him, only darkness as far as his eyes could see. Nowadays, he finds himself stuck inside a tunnel and his legs feel heavy when he tries to walk, but no matter how small his steps are he slowly but surely gets closer to the light at the end.

JARVIS ends up being an invaluable help during these nights.

Little by little Steve has grown used to his presence all around the Tower and his awe about JARVIS’ existence has turned into gratitude for him many times. 

He’s helped Pepper and Steve during many Avengers’ business meetings. He’s researched many pop culture phenomena to point Steve into the direction of what he believes Steve will enjoy. He’s proven himself useful time and time again reminding Steve of little and big stuff all the time. 

But even with all that there still had been a distance between them, a reticence from Steve’s side of things to see JARVIS as something other than a machine, a simple tool. 

That changes the first night JARVIS helps Steve during one of his worst nights at the Tower.

There’s nothing really that sets that night apart from any others. Steve goes through a normal morning, and then a normal afternoon, and a normal evening passes too. There are no signs or hints about what is awaiting for him as soon as he tries to lay down to sleep. 

It’s like standing in the middle of a meadow with the bright sun shining overhead and suddenly being plowed into darkness, thrown in the middle of the sea during a raging storm. It’s knowing how to swim but being unable to, the waves crashing too hard and pulling and pulling and pulling everything to the bottom of the ocean. 

Steve knows he’s laying down on his own bed at the Tower, he’s even got his eyes open to remind himself, but his brain refuses to really believe it. He’s gasping for air and fighting himself. He knows reality, he knows what’s real, but something inside him rejects it no matter how much he tries. 

He’s not dying but he is. He knows he’s not dying but he knows he is. 

It’s a losing battle and he forgets to breathe. There’s air in his lungs but he swears he forgets to breathe.

He wants to make it through and that’s what stubbornly keeps him in bed, first on his back, then laying on his right side and then turning to the left. 

Time is irrelevant and he forgets to check how many hours pass as he pretends to be handling things well. It’s a minute and a year all in one. 

He feels pain in the palm of his hands and it’s not until he looks down at them that he realizes it comes from his own nails sinking into his skin. He tries to open his fists but it’s like his hands aren’t responding to orders from his brain anymore and the pain doesn't relent, it just goes on and on and on.

There’s so much inside him that eventually it has to be released and it comes out in the form of a sob. As it escapes his throat Steve incorporates in bed and his shoulders shake as more and more sobs rip through him. There’s no tears but there is pain, so much pain that gets worse and worse as Steve can’t gulp down any air. 

He’s dying, he’s dying, he’s dying. 

“Captain Rogers.”

It brings him back but not entirely. 

“Captain Rogers, breathe deeply.”

He wants to laugh but he can’t. He’s trying to breathe but he can’t, he can’t.

“Try to take a deep breathe with me, Captain.”

A loud inhaling noise resonates around his room for a few seconds before JARVIS’ voice comes again. 

“And now release the air, Captain.”

There’s an exhaling noise next that lasts just as long as the inhaling one had and then the noises repeat as JARVIS says, “Again.”

He’s not conscious of having matched his breathing to the recording until JARVIS praises him for it with a soft, “Good, Captain. Keep going.”

His shoulders are still trembling slightly but the pressure of his fists has released and although he can make out the half moon marks his nails have left on the palms of his hands it feels liberating to let go of that pain. 

Steve closes his eyes and focuses completely on his breathing and he lets JARVIS’ comments and words guide him back towards shore. 

Time is still irrelevant but Steve has the feeling that the coming down from it was as long as the unraveling itself.

When he opens his eyes again JARVIS has brightened the room a bit, not to the lights’ full extent but enough that Steve now feels more comfortable. He looks around his bedroom and takes inventory of a few of the items in it. It helps with focusing his mind again and while he can’t completely forget it numbs the memory of what he’s gone through a little.

He’s not sure how long ago it happened but there are no more breathing sounds in the room but his own regulated ones now.

“JARVIS?” he asks.

His voice is weak but it sounds too loud in the otherwise silent room. 

“Yes, Captain?”

“I just… I” Steve stutters. “Thank you for helping me.”

“Of course, Captain,” JARVIS replies. 

His voice sounds almost the same as it always does when he talks to Steve but Steve could almost swear there’s a worried tint to it. 

“I’m glad to help in any way I can,” JARVIS assures. 

“How did you know what to do?” Steve wonders, realizing now JARVIS was very quick to react and perfectly capable of handling the situation. 

A short but noticeable silence follows Steve’s question and Steve is confused. Does JARVIS have to think his answers? Is he hesitating over his answer for any particular reason?

“I used to help Sir before…” JARVIS pauses. “Before the Battle of New York.”

“Tony?” Steve asks. “You used to help Tony with… this?”

“Indeed, Captain,” JARVIS confirms. “After Afghanistan Sir developed some anxiety problems and I learnt about it to help him to the best of my abilities.”

“Oh,” Steve murmurs. 

“Sir suffered from nightmares and even often flashbacks, and together we created some protocols and routines that worked well for him during the worst of them.”

Before Steve had dismissed the idea of JARVIS sounding worried but there is no denying now that JARVIS’ tone of voice sounds wistful and in just a second Steve comprehends that JARVIS misses Tony. He misses him in the same human and real way that Pepper and Rhodey do. 

“I didn’t know Tony had, you know, these problems,” Steve muses. “These same issues I seem to be stuck with.”

“Very few people do. Sir always made sure these kind of things about him stayed very private,” JARVIS explains. “I believe he saw them as a weakness and he thought other people would take advantage of them. I think they show the strength Sir actually had.”

Steve swallows and the back of his throat tastes bitter as he’s reminded of the number of times he’s thought to himself that he just needs to be a little stronger, a little less sensitive, a little tougher. 

“Thank you for telling me, JARVIS,” Steve utters. 

“I don’t know if Sir would have liked it,” JARVIS comments and Steve is convinced JARVIS is trying to tease and make light of the situation. “But I thought it would help you in your situation.”

Steve nods and he smiles, aiming the expression a little bit towards the ceiling. 

“And if I may, Captain, we could try to create some protocols and routines together ourselves,” JARVIS offers. “I could show you some of the research myself and Sir did and point you towards some of the things Sir found most useful.”

“Really?” Steve asks, his throat feeling constricted with emotion.

“I’ll have to think of what things are appropriate to reveal without breaking Sir’s privacy but I genuinely want to help,” JARVIS assures. 

Steve closes his eyes, this time due to the tears that have gathered in them. 

“Thank you,” Steve says. “Thank you so much, JARVIS. I would love to.”

“My pleasure, Captain,” JARVIS concludes. 

Steve has hadn't doubts since then that JARVIS is so much more than just a simple machine. Tony created a real and incredible person in the shape of an AI and Steve wishes he could thank Tony for gifting him with the opportunity to get to know JARVIS.

 

_______________________________

 

It’s JARVIS who, a few days after the first time he helps Steve through his panic, introduces him to the bots. 

“Miss Potts brought them to the Tower after her last trip to Malibu,” JARVIS explains. “They were getting lonely over there and at least here she can visit them every once in a while.”

They’re rowdy, and excitable, and fun, and sweet and Steve feels his chest bursting with fondness every time he goes down to visit them to what would have been Tony’s workshop at the Tower had he had time to actually live here. 

The first thing he does after the Avengers’ fifth mission together, the first after the Battle where one of them gets seriously injured, is go see them down in the ‘shop. He’s still wearing his soiled uniform and his heart hasn’t yet recovered from watching Clint fall down from a two story window. It feels nearly miraculous that he’s only got a broken leg and some bruised ribs but Steve can’t stop replaying the moment over and over in his mind. 

_I should have done better._

_I shouldn’t have made that call._

_It’s my responsibility that they all make it out safely._

_I should have done better._

_He could have died._

They’re echoes of old and new insecurities and Steve can’t get rid of them no matter how hard he tries, how hard he reminds himself that the weight of the world shouldn’t belong just on top of his shoulders. 

It’s automatic and instinctive that he searches for his safe place, the one where he can forget, or at least pretend to, everything he is and everything he is supposed to be. 

U is the one who reaches him first and Steve immediately feels the corners of his lips tugging up as he pats U’s robot arm. Dummy and Butterfingers are only a second behind and they surround him and start pulling at the waist of his uniform even though there isn’t much give to the fabric. 

“Hey, guys,” he greets as the bots chirp cheerily. “It’s good to see you.”

He ends up sitting on the floor with a sketch he keeps in the workshop on his lap as the bots move around him, the sound of their joints and their wheels soothing and comforting in between all the chaos in his mind.

 

_______________________________

 

“You know,” Pepper says as they’re walking back into the Tower. “I never would have believed we could grow this close if you had told me only a few months ago.”

She’s walking in between Steve and Rhodey, both her arms looped through one of theirs. Her pace is slow because just a few seconds ago she confessed the new heels she had worn for the Stark Industries’ launch of their new phone were pinching her little toes and creating blisters on the sole of her feets. 

“Yeah,” Rhodey agrees. “No offense, Cap, but I wouldn’t have believed it either.”

“None taken,” Steve laughs. “It's not something I could have predicted myself.”

The conversation comes from their discussion of an offhand comment made by one of the company’s investors while they were still at the launch. The comment had been callous and it had made the three of them flinch -something along the lines of Pepper and Rhodey quickly replacing Tony with Steve in their Three Musketeers dynamic- but it had served to start a reminiscing through some of their best moments together. 

“I’m glad, though,” Pepper remarks. “It’s been a good surprise.”

“It really has,” Steve says and he places his hand on top of where her rests on his arms and squeezes lightly, making Pepper smile sweetly at him. 

The elevator comes just five seconds after Rhodey presses the button to call it and they walk inside. Rhodey is the one who calls upon JARVIS and he doesn’t need to consult Pepper or Steve before instructing him to take them to Pepper’s floor. This has become a routine for them by now, reconvening in Pepper’s floor for dinner, or a drink, or simply to greet each other when they all have a minute. 

Rhodey continues their conversation when he says, “I did want to punch Turner’s teeth when he implied you were just Tony’s substitute, though. What an asshole.”

Pepper winces again upon hearing the recollection. “Yeah, that was terrible.”

“I think I make a terrible substitute for Tony, anyway,” Steve tries to joke. “I don’t have the style or the confidence or the attractiveness for it.”

Rhodey snorts and Pepper lets out a giggle at this. 

Steve gets more serious again when he says, “I would have enjoyed the opportunity to be with him like this. Would have loved it if it could have been the four of us, you know? Us three and Tony.”

It’s a little harmless fantasy Steve has been nurturing for a while, since he started getting to know who Tony was through his best friends, his AI and his bots. 

Tony, who was so different from that preconceived idea Steve had of him from just reading the report SHIELD had given him, watching him through the media and meeting him in the terrible circumstances of Loki’s manipulation of them. 

Tony, who Steve believes he could have become really good friends with. After all, Tony’s own best friends are now Steve’s closest friends in the 21st century.

“That…” Pepper breathes. “That would have been a dream.”

It’s so obvious to Steve that Pepper has lost herself in the imaginings of her mind, as her face has taken that wishful expression that Steve’s come to associate with her reminiscing about Tony. The elevator’s doors opening startle her and she shakes herself a little as Steve and Rhodey start walking out of it, still guiding her as she hasn't let go of their arms yet.

They haven’t made it to the living room yet when Rhodey scoffs bringing both Pepper’s and Steve’s attention to him. 

“What?” Pepper asks, frowning.

Rhodey untangles Pepper’s arm from his and, upon entering the living room, starts walking over to one of the armchairs. He scoffs again before he takes off his suit jacket. 

“Rhodey, what is it?” Pepper asks again, this time letting go of Steve’s arm herself. 

Steve follows Rhodey’s lead but he takes a seat on the couch after taking off his jacket. 

“I was just thinking about what that would have been like,” Rhodey explains. “Tony and us.”

Rhodey laughs this time and looks Steve in the eye as he continues talking.

“Oh man, he would have flirted with you non-stop.”

“What?” Steve questions, baffled by the comment.

“Oh,” Pepper falters and Steve turns back to look at her. 

She’s got one of her heels in her hand, the other one still on her left foot, which is lifted in the air from where she was obviously moving to take it off too. Before she can continue with the action she starts laughing heartily. 

“It’s true!” she concedes as she continues laughing and makes Rhodey joins her too. “He totally would have!”

“Wait, really?” 

“Yes!” Pepper replies as she starts calming down but a laughter escapes her throat again. “You’re so totally his type.”

Before Steve can say anything to that Rhodey starts counting with his fingers. 

“Gorgeous, funny, reckless, with a little bit of an attitude, for what I hear you weren’t afraid to call him out when you met and your stubbornness would have balanced out his own stubbornness well.”

He has to start using his left hand to keep going. 

“He would have probably called you self-righteous at times but he would have actually admired your determination, he’d definitely comment on your ass all the time and I would have to suffer through it constantly,—“

“He would have loved seeing you with the bots,” Pepper interrupts Rhodey. “He loved it when people treated them like humans too.”

“Yes,” Rhodey says as he puts up a third finger on his left hand. “And have I said he’d be all over your body already? Because trust me he’d wax poetic about every inch of you given the opportunity.”

“Okay, okay.” This time it’s Steve who interrupts causing Pepper and Rhodey to laugh softly again. 

Pepper’s standing barefoot now and she moves around the couch to sit next to Steve and place her hand on his knee.

“The point is I know Tony would have ended up loving you,” Pepper says. “I also wish it could have been the three of us and him.”

Rhodey nods from his position on the armchair and murmurs, “Yeah.”

“And who knows?” Pepper comments, a playful and at the same time sad glint in her eyes. “Maybe he would have made you fall madly in love with him. You would have been such a power couple.”

 

_______________________________

 

Although the conversation ends there it keeps haunting Steve. It keeps haunting him in a way he doesn’t quite understand.

When he thinks about it he does it with a little hint of pride. 

It’s no small thing that Pepper and Rhodey, two people that loved Tony so whole-heartedly, think Steve would have been worthy of their best friend. It feels nice to know there are people who think of him -Steve Rogers and not Captain America- in such a high manner. He never got to truly know Tony when he was alive but the things Steve has learnt about him after his death prove that it’s an honor to be considered someone who could have matched him and deserved him.

There is also an undeniable trace of sadness as Steve recalls time and time again the conversation in his head.

When Steve first came out of the ice he made his peace with knowing things that he had dreamt about before would no longer be in his future. Love was one of them. Who could he find that would understand everything that he had gone through? Who could he find that he could put through the difficulties of who he was? 

Peggy had been so perfect for him once but Steve’s come to terms with the fact that he wasn't the love of her life just like, quite honestly, she wasn't the love of his. How could she when his life is now so much different than what it used to be?

But accepting Peggy wasn't the one for him didn't mean Steve opened himself up to the possibility that there really was someone out there for him. Someone to suit him and understand him, someone who would never cower to him but also wouldn't be dazzled by what he sometimes represents, someone he could share every single aspect of his life with, including the bizarre and the hard parts. Steve didn't dream about that any longer.

And yet.

It feels stupid to think about but if there could have been one person to fit every single one of those impossible things it would have been Tony.

Tony, with his own issues. Tony, with his own share of past trauma. Tony, who the few times he interacted with Steve when he was alive never failed to challenge him. Tony, who had been part of something so much greater just like Steve. 

That’s where the sadness comes from: the thought that maybe Pepper and Rhodey were right, that maybe Steve and Tony really could have been something great. 

It’s futile and inevitable that Steve mourns the loss of something he never truly had. It’s also ridiculous but Steve’s well versed in lost causes. More than anything it is frustrating, to think that just when he had gotten rid of all the _what ifs_ in his life from his past he know is falling to the trap of even more complicated and nebulous impossibilities. 

He tries to push away all these thoughts daily, especially during the times when Tony is mentioned, alluded to or in any way somehow present in his life. Steve hadn't notice before but, without actually ever being there, Tony has been such a big part of Steve’s last for the past few months that now Steve can go a few hours without being reminded.

 _Would we have helped each other out during our bad times?,_ Steve asks himself as he goes through one of the books on PTSD and anxiety that JARVIS recommended him.

 _I wonder what Tony’s favorite dish of mine would have been,_ Steve thinks as he’s cooking for the Avengers one day, in one of the few meals they’ve ever shared.

 _I would have asked him to teach me to dance,_ he muses as some old footage of Pepper and Tony dancing at a charity function plays on the TV. 

It’s not love. At least he doesn't think it is. 

How can you love someone you never really knew?

Tony’s gone, he’s been gone for months, and every little thing Steve finds endearing and sweet and funny and brave about him is gone too. 

Everything that could have made Steve fall in love with Tony was erased and blown away when Tony didn't come back from the portal, when Steve made the call to close it. 

It’s not love. It can’t be. 

It’s the knowledge that there could have been love but the universe didn't let it become that. 

It’s having to live with the fact that, once again, Steve never gets to have the things that he wants most and what he would want most in the world right now is the opportunity to have Tony. For himself, yes, but also for Pepper and Rhodey, for the Avengers, and for the entire planet in itself.

For Tony, most of all. Steve would love the opportunity to just grant Tony the opportunity to keep living because that’s simply what he deserved.

(Maybe it’s love, a little bit. Maybe it’s just easier to pretend it’s not.)  

 

_______________________________

 

“Wow, Dummy,” Steve praises. “That’s a really great drawing.”

The drawing in question is not, in fact, that great. To be honest, Steve isn’t even sure what it’s supposed to represent. Dummy himself? An elephant? The arrangement of gray matter in a pretty unhealthy brain? Anything could go for the shapeless doodles Steve’s looking at in the piece of paper Dummy has just handed him. 

But while the drawing Dummy has created might not be an iconic piece of art it still makes Steve feel proud and delighted. Only two weeks ago Dummy dropped any crayon he tried to hold for longer than three seconds and now, he’s refining his movements and his traces. It’s such a silly little thing but Steve knows Dummy views it as an accomplishment by the way he twirls around twice every time he finishes a picture and that makes Steve all the more happy. 

U and Butterfingers, on their part, couldn't be less interested in art but Steve still checks on their game of tag every once in a while from his position on the floor where his sketching in his own book. 

It’s getting closer to 8 at night but Steve doesn't feel hungry enough to head upstairs and have dinner yet. He’s been in the workshop since he came back from a meeting with Fury at SHIELD early in the afternoon. He had left the SHIELD base so frustrated his first instinct had been to walk into the ‘shop and surround himself with the bots. 

He’s calmed down since then and he’s even been able to admit to himself his reaction to Fury’s requests about the Avengers were perhaps too excessive but he hasn't turned his phone back on yet or left the room since his arrival. He’s in no rush to leave and he can for sure do with delaying the inevitable arranging of another meeting with the Director of SHIELD. 

Today hasn’t been a bad day per se but Steve’s conscious enough about himself and his triggers to know that he’s heading towards some kind of episode of anxiety. Maybe a nightmare as he tries to sleep tonight o maybe a case of insomnia instead. It could also simply be not getting rid of the awkward feeling in his chest for a couple of days. Be what it may, Steve knows the longer he can stay here, where he feels truly safe and protected from everything else, the more he can avoid the fall. 

A strange noise comes from JARVIS’ speakers, almost like a choking sound. 

Steve frowns and looks towards some of the cameras that are around the room, having picked up the habit of looking into them when he’s trying to pretend like he can create eye contact with JARVIS.

“Sir?”

Steve tilts his head in confusion at the name. JARVIS never calls Steve Sir, only Captain or Captain Rogers, no matter how many times Steve’s tried to get him to just call him by his first name. Sir is the name JARVIS used for Tony and Steve knows he would never use it for anyone else.

“JARVIS? Everything okay?” 

His question goes unanswered for many seconds and this only makes the situation more bizarre. JARVIS’ responses and interventions are always immediate and Steve has never known him to fail at that or show problems in his functioning. 

“JARVIS?”

As his second enquiry goes ignored as well Steve starts actually worrying. 

Is the Tower under attack? Is _JARVIS_ under attack? 

Steve gets to his feet promptly, startling Dummy who was standing close to him and making him roll back a few feet so Steve doesn't knock into him with the momentum of his movement.

He’s about to call out for JARVIS again, to try one last time just in case everything’s been a misunderstanding when a projection pops up right in front of him. 

The image shows the Avengers’ common floor, specifically its living room. It’s not very different from his own, its architecture identical and the furniture in both in the same style, but contrary to his living room, the common one tends to go unused, as does all of that floor, because the group doesn't spend much time together at the Tower or otherwise. They’ve recently instated shared meals once every other week and at least twice a week they try to all get together to train different team aspects but aside from that, the Avengers’ members don’t set foot on that floor for anything.

But the image that Steve’s watching right now doesn't paralyze him because of the place it’s showing.  It’s who’s standing in it that’s left him speechless, because it’s not any of the Avengers, no matter how unusual that would have been.

“Tony?”

Steve wastes no time in exiting the workshop. He opts to use the stairs instead of the elevator, knowing that if he uses his full speed he will get there faster that JARVIS could ever take him. 

He makes it to the common floor in less than a minute and he heads directly to the living room, his legs feeling like they’re going to fail him at any second. 

He skids to a stop as soon as he reaches the room and there he is, right in front of him.

“Tony?”

Tony turns around as soon as Steve’s done saying his name and Steve’s breath catches in his lungs. 

“Cap?”

There’s no conscious thinking on his part when Steve rushes forwards and wraps Tony in a hug, he just does it. The fireworks exploding in his stomach and the static playing in his brain have left him incapable of anything but murmur Tony’s name over and over again. 

Tony’s solid and real under his arms but he’s also standing stiff as a board, his arms hanging by his sides until he brings the right one up to pat Steve on the back four times in a very slow manner.

“Well, hello,” Tony says and although Steve can’t see his face he knows his expression must be one of confusion.

But Steve’s just so… baffled. So stunned. So happy. 

He pulls away only a few seconds later but he leaves his hands resting on Tony’s shoulders. Steve’s eyes can't stop taking in all of Tony and they’re not sure where to focus so they keep moving from Tony’s face to his hands, and then they move back towards Tony’s eyes before looking down at his feet. It’s only after the second time Steve’s looked Tony over -Tony taking all this confusedly but silently and patiently- that Steve notices Tony’s wearing the exact same clothes he was wearing that fateful day in the Helicarrier.

Tony looks exactly the same as he did during the Battle of New York minus his Iron Man suit.

“How? I mean… What? How?”

His questions aren't eloquent but they get the point across.

“Well, Cap,” Tony answers, a sardonic smirk on his face. “It’s a long story.”

 

_______________________________

 

Steve doesn’t get to hear Tony’s long story until much, much later. There’s too many things to be done before that can happen. 

The first thing Tony has JARVIS do is call Pepper and Rhodey. 

It only takes Pepper a minute to get to the Avengers’ common floor from her own, and she’s just a blur when she comes in and beelines directly for Tony, enveloping him in her arms as she buries her face on his shoulder. Steve’s eyes fill up with tears when he hears Pepper start sobbing as she repeats Tony’s name over and over again. 

When Rhodey finally picks up his phone after the third call JARVIS puts through he’s the first one to ask if what’s happening is real. JARVIS quickly confirms it is, reassuring them by saying he’s run any sort of test he could think of running, and Tony himself makes some kind of inside joke that only Rhodey understands and that makes him choke on his words when he promises he’ll be there as soon as he can, twenty four hours maximum. Steve tears up again when Rhodey pronounces a heartfelt I love you to Tony before hanging up.

After that there are a million more things to do.

JARVIS calls the Avengers that are in the Tower to the common floor and in less than five minutes they have almost the entire team together, minus Thor who’s been off in Asgard the past couple of weeks. The reunion isn’t nearly as emotional as it had been between Pepper and Tony or as heart-warming as Rhodey and Tony’s conversation but Steve can see the genuine joy that Natasha, Clint and Bruce feel upon seeing Tony. His “death” had left a bitter taste in all of them, the regret that the first time the Avengers had worked together they had had to lose one of their own before they even got the opportunity to become a team. 

Pepper insists Tony should get medically checked out even when Tony reassures her firmly that he’s perfectly fine, and, in an amazing display of her resourcefulness, a team of doctors appear in the building in less than ten minutes. All their tests and checking confirm Tony’s assessment and when they finally leave the premises Steve realizes how late it has gotten and deems it appropriate to leave Tony to rest after all the excitement of the day.

He can’t help but look over his shoulder as he’s making his way to the elevator to check just one last time that Tony is still there, in the flesh.

The next day is chaos. 

And so is the day after.

And the one after that. 

They all go by in a haze of movement and errands and plans being made and situations to solve and press conferences. There are a hundred legal issues to solve because there isn’t any kind of precedent to be set for this and Pepper needs all the help she can get with it. SHIELD also gets involved and Tony has to spend hours visiting their base for interviews and such.

Life goes on like this for almost two weeks. Steve is almost sure he hasn't been able to properly assimilate things. He’s just been going through the motions, blinking every time Tony was in front of him to make sure his mind wasn't playing tricks on him. 

When Tony finally sits the team -plus Pepper and Rhodey- down to tell them the full story Steve doesn't know if it is the first time Tony’s telling anyone what he went through those months everyone thought him dead. Perhaps that’s what SHIELD has had him doing, explaining everything over and over again. 

The tale involves magic, alien races, quantum physics, space travel and dimension hopping. At least from what Steve can understand of it. Bruce is the one who seems more fascinated out of all of them by Tony’s narrations and he asks Tony a handful of questions that have Tony vigorously gesticulating and make his face light up. 

This is the time, almost two weeks after Tony first appeared at Avengers’ Tower, that Steve finally comes to term with it.

Tony is alive. 

The man Steve has gotten to know in the past months, the man who Steve has learnt to be kind, reckless, goofy, so intelligent it almost hurts, stubborn, insecure and so complex it would take thousand of years to explain him completely, is alive. 

Tony is alive but Steve only got to know him when he thought the man was dead.

Tony is alive but he doesn't know Steve like Steve knows him.

And then, Steve can’t help but think: _Do I even know him at all? Or do I know the version of him I created in my mind?_

 

_______________________________

 

Things get calmer after that and it’s like the world has let out a collective sigh of relief.

Steve can’t say life gets back to normal after that because the old normal used to mean not having Tony with them, but little by little they all start building a new normal together. 

Through it all Steve works very hard to never be left alone with Tony. It hurts in ways he can’t even understand but it feels easier than the alternative. 

If anyone had told him only a month before that this is how he would be acting when they got Tony back he wouldn't have believed them. For months he wished he could bring Tony back for Pepper and Rhodey. He dreamed of having Tony in battles with the team. He ached to be able to talk to Tony without any of the anger, miscommunication and pain they both had had during their interactions before Tony died. And now that all of those things are within his reach he’s the one who is retreating and hiding. 

But his thoughts are a tangled mess in his head and it reminds him so much of how he was when he had just gotten out of the ice, back when he believed he would never belong here.

He feels like two people at once and he’s not sure which of the two Steves he’d prefer to commit to.

There’s the Steve who loves Tony, because he does, this Steve can now say that he does. This is the man that Tony unknowingly helped through it all. The Steve that has grown and matured and accepted his fate even if he still has regrets and things he wouldn’t have chosen for himself. 

And then there’s the Steve that doesn't know Tony at all. The one still stuck clinging to things he can’t have and people he can never see. This is the Steve that believes he just feels like he is in love with Tony because he clung to him to avoid everything else he didn't want to deal with. 

These two Steves are at war and part of him feels like no matter who wins it he will be losing no matter what. 

So he avoids Tony. He avoids Tony simply because Tony is the most prominent of his wishes and the most prominent of his fears and if Steve were to face Tony he’s not sure he’d make it out unscathed of that. 

Avoiding Tony means Steve has to avoid Pepper and Rhodey too because the pair of them haven't left Tony’s side much at all since he came back.

Pepper’s been calling him and Rhodey has texted him more than once to ask him for a spar or a drink but Steve’s has made terrible excuses to both, excuses he knows neither of them believe. 

He’s scared, that’s what’s happening. Steve’s scared of this new change in his life because, historically, changes haven’t particularly been easy for him. 

This is a dream come true but Steve is scared he will mess it up somehow and turn it into his own worst nightmare. 

 

_______________________________

 

In the end avoiding Tony is a lot more complicated that Steve would have thought. Especially because Tony starts seeking him out.

Steve gets a missed call to his cell phone from a number he doesn’t have saved and when he asks JARVIS if he can find out who it was JARVIS tells him, “That’s Sir’s mobile number, Captain.”

Steve swallows harshly and puts his phone down on his kitchen counter and goes out for a run. 

Tony calls him a couple more times and even has JARVIS tell Steve he wants to meet with him but Steve always leaves the Tower when this happens. He even ponders if it would be easier if he went to stay at SHIELD’s base for a while, knowing Fury would give him back his all quarters no questions asked. He discards the idea quickly, realizing the one thing he can’t give up is the place that has become the closest thing he’s had to a home in years. It would be a fatal blow to his sanity. 

Tony eventually ends up catching up to him because Steve is running of energy to run. 

Tony intercepts Steve as he is making his way out of the Tower for a training session with some SHIELD recruits. Steve is about to walk out of the doors when Tony suddenly appears in front of him, physically blocking his exit. Steve could pick him up and move him aside but even quickly realizes how over the top and inappropriate that would be so he just stops dead in his tracks and waits for Tony to move or do something.

“I finally catch you, Captain,” Tony says with a rueful smile on his face. 

“Um… I guess you do,” Steve responds as he swallows forcefully, pushing the strap of the gym bag he’s carrying up his shoulder so it doesn't fall down. 

“You’ve been avoiding me,” Tony states, bypassing any kind of small talk. 

“No,” Steve tries to deny. “I haven’t. Why would you—“

“Cut the crap, Cap.” Tony rolls his eyes. “We both know you have. And I get it, believe me, I do.”

 _You do?_ Steve wants to ask, but he stays silent as Tony continues to speak.

“I’m fine with it but I’m not so fine with how you’re also avoiding Pepper and Rhodey. For what they’ve told me you guys have become quite close in the months that you all believed I was capoot,” Tony says as he makes a gesture with his hands that resembles more an explosion than it could portray the idea of his body being lost to the portal. “And they’re worried about you.”

Steve feels his stomach give a painful lurch. 

“I didn’t mean to make them worry,” he promises.

“I figured.” Tony shrugs. “But that’s what they do. Hardcore worriers, the pair of them.”

Steve feels even worse then because Tony is completely right about that and it’s something Steve’s learn about Pepper and Rhodey both during their friendship.

“Look, you don’t have to interact with me in order to be friends with them,” Tony explains. “I don’t want you to cut ties with them just because I’m suddenly and magically back.”

Steve frowns. “What do you mean?”

“I mean we can come to some kind of arrangement, Cap,” Tony proclaims. “You get them every first weekend of the month. I get them the odd numbered months. You take them on Christmas and I’ll have them on Thanksgiving. We switch off every Four of July because I don’t care if you’re Captain America that’s one of the funnest holidays.”

“That almost sounds like a…” Steve trails off. 

“Like a divorce, yes,” Tony confirms. “God knows we’ve never been married but we did fight like we were in the middle of a nasty separation at the Hellicarier all those months ago, if I remember correctly.” 

Steve shakes his head at Tony’s comments and his plan. 

“There’s no need for all that,” Steve says. “I just… I needed some time but I’ll call Pepper and Rhodey soon to let them know they don’t have to worry.”

Tony sighs and Steve can see his shoulders drop considerably like his exhaustion has finally caught up to him. 

“I just want you to know that I mean it, okay?” Tony says. “Just because I’m back and you don’t like me doesn’t mean you have to give up Pepper’s and Rhodey’s friendships. They’re great friends to have and I would know.”

“Tony…” Steve murmurs, suddenly struck with a realization. 

“Anyway, that’s what I wanted to say,” Tony stutters, his words coming much faster now. “You hate me but even so I’m willing to share my best friends with you because I love them and they love you and I believe you love them too so… Yeah.”

“I don’t hate you,” is all that Steve can think to say. 

Tony, who was looking everywhere but at Steve, suddenly directs his gaze towards him and his manic energy comes to a halt.

“What?” Tony mutters without moving his lips, like it’s more a thought that escaped his mind without permission than a real question he wanted to ask.

“I don’t hate you, Tony,” Steve assures him. “I’m sorry that I’ve made you believe that.”

In all of his avoidance of the issue, the overthinking, all the confusion and the self-doubt Steve has definitely made a lot of mistakes, all of them unwillingly and without malice. 

The first mistake, and probably the biggest one, was thinking he didn't really know Tony when he did, even if the version of Tony he got to know was incomplete. He got to know Tony through his friends, his creations, recordings, interviews, photos and the mark he had left behind in the world. And that is not all that Tony Stark is but the things Steve learnt were real. 

And Steve knows Tony is insecure and tends to think very little of himself. So of course he would immediately think Steve’s avoidance of him comes from a place of hate, especially after how the last interactions Tony remembers between them went. 

“I don’t hate you,” Steve reiterates once again, knowing Tony won’t believe this easily. 

“You don’t,” Tony states but his face still shows confusion. 

Steve shakes his head. “I don’t.”

“But you’ve been avoiding me,” Tony says and this is an statement so sure of itself that Steve knows he can’t deny it any longer. 

“Yes,” he confesses. “And I’ve been avoiding Pepper and Rhodey too. But not because I hate you. And not because I want to stop being friends with them because I hate you.”

“So then, why?” Tony asks looking even more confused than before, if possible. 

“It’s… Complicated,” Steve answers. “I really am sorry, Tony.”

“Okay,” Tony prolongs the vowels of the word and he’s side-eyeing Steve.

“But,” Steve rushes to say. “I promise that’s all over. I’m done avoiding you, or Pepper or Rhodey.”

“Well, good,” Tony says, nodding his head and very obviously trying to make sense of all the conversation they’ve just had. “I’m glad, Cap.”

“Steve. Please call me Steve,” he requests. 

“Sure, Steve,” Tony pronounces. His eyes are narrowed and he’s looking at Steve like he’s trying to solve him like one very difficult math equation. 

“Thanks,” Steve says to him and he smiles softly at hearing his name for the first time from Tony’s mouth. 

“I’ll just be going and letting you go too,” Tony says as he moves from in front of Steve, clearing his path. 

But Steve doesn't move to go. Instead, he turns his body around to face Tony again. 

“I have to go to SHIELD now,” Steve states. “But I’ll be back for lunch. I know Rhodey’s still here and maybe… We could have lunch. You, me, Pepper and Rhodey. Together. I could apologize to them too for these past few weeks.”

Tony looks around as if Steve could be talking to someone else and then looks back at Steve. 

“Yeah, okay,” Tony accepts. “I think they’d like that. I think…I’d like that.”

Steve smiles at him. “See you later, then.”

His ride is waiting outside the building for him when Steve finally leaves the Tower and when he gets into the car Steve can still spot Tony through the glass looking at him.

Everything is far from solved for Steve but perhaps he’s been looking for answers in all the wrong places. 

 

_______________________________

 

Lunch that day is equal parts enlightening and awkward. 

Pepper and Rhodey both accept his apologies but Steve can tell that while Pepper’s smile is completely genuine and that where they’re both concerned everything’s okay, it will take a little longer to get things back to what they were with the Colonel. Steve is fine with having to put in the work for it. 

That day it is very obvious there are two separate groups within them: there’s Pepper, Rhodey and Tony; and then there’s Pepper, Rhodey and Steve. Both groups have their own idiosyncrasy down, even if they’re a little out of sync, but most of the awkwardness originates from trying to mesh the groups, trying to make them work and blend until there’s only one. 

It’s not something to worry about, at least not for Steve, who has now vowed to himself that he will make it work. It was only the first try and there are tons more to perfect it.

It’s like a switch has gone off inside him. Like he’s seeing things clearly now where before he was just trying to walk into a room with his eyes closed and all the lights turned off.

There’s only one way he can find out if what he feels for Tony is real or not: he needs to be with Tony, to spend time with him and get to know him as a person who’s really sharing space with him.

He won’t need anything else after that. There’s no hopes for what comes after. 

He just wants to try and minimize the damage he’s doing to himself. He wants to try to come to terms with who he is -one Steve or the other or maybe both or none at all- and he wants to be able to finally feel completely happy that Tony is back. Because now he is but he feels like he can’t focus on it. 

And day by day that’s what he works on doing. 

 

_______________________________

 

The first time Steve and Tony hang out together things don’t go badly but they also don't go well. 

Steve takes Tony to a baseball game, thinking that the setting is casual enough for a first friendly outing. It’s not a major league game and Steve thinks they will have time to talk without it being too serious. However, their conversation never goes past some casual small talk and most often than not some unsettling silences fill the space between the two of them.

Steve’s surprised when he doesn't have to try to approach Tony again and it’s Tony who comes asking for his company. He wouldn't have thought Tony would be interested in getting a repeat performance of their failed time and he actually thought he’d have to convince Tony to give their friendship a try again. 

But Tony’s excited to take him to a little Thai place Steve had heard of from Pepper but that he’s actually never gotten the change to go to. 

This time the failure is not their fault. 

Just as a waiter is bringing them their first dishes both Steve’s and Tony’s phones ping with an Avengers’ distress signal and they leave the place after paying but without actually having been able to eat anything. 

The battle, on the other hand, goes so perfectly Steve is almost in awe of it. 

There are a few kinks and mishaps that Steve’s made sure to take note of to work on them in their next meetings and trainings, but having Tony with them really feels like it changes the stakes completely. 

The third time really is the charm for both of them. It’s not something they’ve scheduled or plan and Steve thinks maybe that's part of why it works so well.

Tony is in his workshop when Steve asks JARVIS about him. He hasn't had the opportunity to talk to Tony since the end of the fight and he wants to see if Tony will agree to try one more time to do something together, no matter how bad of a record they’re building. 

When he gets to the ‘shop he can see Tony through the clear glass and he’s glad to see he doesn't seem to be working so Steve walking in won’t disturb anything important. Tony actually seems to be talking to the bots, who are all positioned in a row one next to the other and are as still as Steve’s ever seen them, like they’re intently listening to Tony. 

Steve clears his throat before he brings his right hand over to the glass to knock on it and alert Tony of his presence.

Tony turns around on his chair and his eyes widen slightly at the sight of Steve. He says something that must have been directed at JARVIS because the doors open immediately after. 

“You know you could have asked JARVIS to tell me you were there, right?” Tony asks.

“Yeah,” Steve confirms, getting closer to Tony and the bots as he walks into the room. “Just felt like knocking I guess.”

“Oh, alright,” Tony accepts. “Then hello.”

“Hi, Tony,” Steve greets back.

The bots start chirping loudly from their position behind Tony but none of them move towards Steve as they normally do when he walks into the room. Tony looks over his right shoulder at them and then turns back to face Steve as he rolls his eyes fondly. 

“Go on, you menaces,” Tony says as he motions the bots forward with a flick of his hand. 

Almost immediately the bots go rolling towards Steve and they surround him in a matter of seconds.

“Hey, guys,” Steve laughs. “It’s good to see you.”

He’s doing a valiant effort of petting all of them while at the same time trying to salvage his t-shirt from the firm grip U has on it, but he quickly gives up on the second task and just lets the bot stretch it as far as it will go. 

Tony clears his throat and this makes Steve look at him. 

“JARVIS told me you’ve been spending some time down here with them,”  Tony says. 

Steve lowers his gaze and hopes the warmth he can feel in his cheeks hasn't transformed into a blush that is too visible.

“Yeah, since Pepper brought them here from California,” Steve confirms. “They’re great kids.”

“They’re not kids.”

Tony’s face looks blank and any other person would have taken the accepted the comment but Steve reminds himself that he knows Tony, or at least he knows how much his creations mean to him. 

“They kind of are like kids,” Steve reiterates and is rewarded by Tony’s face subtly lighting up as the right corner of his lips curls upwards. 

“Okay, they kind of are.”

Steve laughs and nods, giving his attention back to the bots for a few seconds until Butterfingers moves away from him prompting the other two to do the same. They don’t move back towards Tony but to their corner of the room, where they start playing around with a few toys and objects that hadn’t been there the last time Steve had been in the room.

“So,” Tony says as he claps his hands. “What are you doing here?” 

Steve notices he’s standing awkwardly in the middle of the room so he walks towards the work bench, making Tony turn again in his chair and leaving the table between them.

“I came to say I’m sorry about how our lunch went the other day,” Steve says as he rests his elbows on the table. “I had been looking forward to it.”

“It wasn't your fault,” Tony says. “But yeah, I was sorry too.”

“Maybe we could try another time?” Steve tries. “Pray to God that this time nothing life-threatening happens?”

Tony chuckles. “Sure, yeah.”

“Really?” Steve asks, unable to hide his surprise. “Great! When would it be a good time for you?”

The question makes Tony focus more intensely at Steve, his brow furrowed and his bottom lip caught between his lips. Steve looks back and forth a couple times between Tony’s eyes and his lips before catching himself and settling his gaze in the space between Tony’s eyebrows. 

“How about now?” Tony inquires and Steve goes back to looking at Tony’s eyes. 

“Now?” Steve asks. “Like now, now?”

Tony nods. “I’ve got nothing going on and I’m assuming since you’re here you’ve got nothing going on either.”

Steve shakes his head. 

“We can call the restaurant for take-out and in the time it will take to get here it’ll almost be lunch time,” Tony explains. 

“Okay.”

“Okay, okay?” Tony teases.

“Okay, okay.” Steve laughs and just like that it feels like the curse that had been set between them finally breaks. 

They end up ordering the same things they had ordered before the battle that they never got to it and Steve stomach rumbles as soon as JARVIS informs them the order has been placed. It makes Tony laugh and Steve follows. 

The bots really help make things easier between them and Steve gets Tony to tell them the stories of how he built all of them.

“Dum-E was the first,” Tony explains. “And that’s D-U-M-slash-E. I’ve seen you write it as D-U-M-M-Y in some sketches you drew of him and left here in the workshop.”

“Oh, that makes sense,” Steve concedes. “Should have known it’d be something like that.”

It all natural develops from there and it’s almost like no time passes at all. They both get startled when JARVIS announces the take-out has arrived to the Tower and they only separate long enough for Steve to go pick it up and walk back to the workshop, this time not even knocking to make it back in. 

They eat as they chat and this time when a silence grows between them it feels natural and bearable. 

This is what Steve’s been wanting for a while, the opportunity to build something real with Tony. 

 

_______________________________

 

Pepper was right -of course she was- when she said Tony would have loved to introduce Steve to every 21st century thing. As soon as Steve gives the go ahead Tony immerses him in a thousand things he hadn’t even contemplated experiencing before. Steve hadn’t even thought it was possible, considering that since meeting Pepper and Rhodey Steve has dived himself into the new century as much as he’s been able to. 

But Tony’s a whole new world and proof of that is that Steve can now say he gets that reference thanks to a Disney marathon with Tony.

It’s watching movies that most people from this era don’t even know. 

It’s Tony creating playlists for him for different moods and situations: a playlist for the gym, a playlist for when he showers, a playlist for when he’s feeling nostalgic, a playlist that only includes songs with a color in the title because Steve bet Tony he wouldn't be able to find twenty different songs for twenty different colors -Steve loses the bet-.

It’s Steve playing video games for the first time and becoming obsessed with Mario Kart, him always choosing Princess Peach and Tony always choosing Yoshi. 

(It’s finally feeling like he’s not a tourist visiting a new century that will never belong to him but a true local once again. It’s making the 21st century his own and fitting into it in a way he hadn’t before. 

He no longer bends and shapes himself to take as little space as possible in 2012, he stands tall and proud, making his own mark into the world, creating new opinions and choosing favorites and even criticizing the things he hates, not out of bitterness or resentment but a desire to do better. 

It’s getting to show Tony his favorite things from his own era without feeling like he wants to rip his heart out of his chest.)

 

_______________________________

 

“This is delicious,” Steve says as he brings his fork to his mouth again.

“You’ve said that like five times already,” Tony laughs as he eats a lot more carefully and less messily than Steve.

Tony’s still on his first serving of the Lemon Garlic Shrimp Pasta dish he has made himself while Steve has almost finished his second plate and is already thinking of going in for a third.

Steve is mindful to shallow this time before he speaks. “That’s because it’s true. Seriously, Tony, I love it.”

“Well, thank you,” Tony says, lowering his eyes to his pasta and pushing it around the plate a little. “Pasta is really the only thing I’m good at cooking so at least there are a lot of ways in which you can make it.”

“When did you learn?” Steve asks. 

“I told you about human Jarvis, right?” Tony inquires and Steve nods. “He tried to teach me to cook and pasta was the only thing that really stuck. God, I miss his cooking.”

Tony reaches over to grab his glass of water and take a long gulp from it. Steve mirrors him and then picks up his cloth napkin to dab at his mouth with it, his plate now empty for the second time during the evening. 

“I miss my Ma’s cooking,” Steve confesses back. “We never had much but she could create delicacies with anything you gave her.”

Steve goes silent and ponders about it. “Or maybe that was just the fact that eating felt like a luxury sometimes. Maybe she wasn’t that good of a cook and it felt like she was because I was always so hungry.”

“I’m sure she _was_ a good cook,” Tony says, reaching across the table and covering Steve’s hand with his own. 

“I could cook you one of her recipes some time,” Steve proposes and Tony squeezes his hand.

“I’d love to,” Tony accepts before letting go of Steve’s hand and standing. “Now, would you like another plate?”

Steve answers silently by grabbing his empty plate and thrusting it forward towards Tony who laughs at him as he shakes his head affectionately. 

“I thought so.”

(Steve ends up cooking for Tony more than one of his mom’s recipes and they both wind up declaring Sarah Rogers really was that good of a cook. 

He even teaches Tony how to make some of his favorite childhood foods and while Tony is not the most skilled culinary student Steve never runs out of patience. 

It’s not like it matters, anyway, because Steve would gladly live only on pasta if Tony was the one doing the cooking.)

 

_______________________________

 

“I still feel guilty every time I think about Bucky for letting him fall,” Steve whispers in the dead of the night. 

“Obie was the closest thing I had to a father after Jarvis and to this day I still don't know if he ever cared about me,” Tony declares as he holds a glass of untouched scotch on his left hand. 

“I’m afraid to wake up one day and find that my body has gone back to what it was before the serum,” Steve says as he’s laying on a bed at SHIELD’s infirmary, his left leg broken after a mission but already healing.

“I used sex as an escape when I was younger,” Tony comments as the TV shows a group of hosts discussing Tony’s recent return and his past misgivings. “I could count on both hands the number of times I truly enjoyed it apart of when I was with Pepper.”

(It’s slow and it’s distressing for them both, opening themselves up, but they do it. They learn to trust each other and to share the burden of their grief. Neither is good at following advice but they make an effort.

It’s gradual and it’s appeasing and it brings them so much closer together. There are topics that are harder to discuss -Howard, for example- but they don’t shy away from them, even if they need to exercise more caution. 

They take a plunge into the sea and the other one is always there already, swimming and ready to act as a life-saver if necessary.)

 

_______________________________

 

“C’mon, Winghead, you can do better than that!” Tony teases as he blasts his repulsors and moves to the other side of the training course he specifically designed for them. 

Sparring and training with Iron Man is something Steve will never tire of. It’s been weeks now and he still finds it as exhilarating as he did the first time. 

It’s nothing like practicing with Rhodey was even though Steve has taken note of all the similarities between both armors. It’s incredible how much the differences between both men account for the way the armors move and react. 

Tony is a spitfire and he challenges Steve to become quicker and more flexible with his thinking. No one can think as fast as Tony Stark does but Steve feels constantly motivated to try to keep up and it has made him a better fighter.

(It has also made him become a better leader for the Avengers and Steve is so grateful for it that he can’t even put it into words. 

Before, Natasha was the closest thing Steve had to a right-hand man but he didn’t feel like he could completely let go of all his inhibitions and lean on her. It wasn't that he didn't trust her because he did, no doubt in his mind about it. It was something else that was holding him back, some unseeable and unexplainable pull that never let him give up that much control of himself and of his team.

Steve has never believed in fate or destiny but he now wonders if maybe there was something inside him that always knew Tony would come back to take his place next to Steve. If maybe he was unconsciously waiting for things to become what they were always meant to be.)

 

_______________________________

 

Things click so easily nowadays between Pepper, Rhodey, Tony and Steve that thinking about their first lunch together and the way things were so out of sync feels almost like thinking of another life. 

Just like with Tony and Steve it’s taken time and work to get things to this point but just like with Tony and Steve it feels as natural as breathing most days. 

The potential was always there, simmering under the surface and just waiting to be set free and explored. Steve believes they all felt it in their veins, that current that connected them, but none of them knew exactly what it meant. 

Steve and Rhodey needed to find their footing again after the weeks Steve spent pulling away from him and Pepper. Rhodey had never been angry at him or combative but he had seemed distant and cold at first, before Steve had little by little gained his trust back. 

Pepper, Rhodey and Tony had been, for some time after Tony’s return, as inseparable as they had been reluctant with each other. Steve could only guess Pepper and Rhodey had felt afraid to really believe Tony was back, like they believed if they finally came to terms with it Tony would fade out of existence right in front of their eyes. Tony had confessed to Steve that he had felt guilty for the suffering he had put his best friends through once again, even if he rationally knew it hadn't been his fault and there was nothing he could have done about it. 

There have been stumbles and near misses. There’s been a process of relearning and reshaping themselves amongst each other. But the end result has been worth it all. 

“I would never play paintball with you, Tony. Never,” Rhodey emphasizes. 

They’re all sitting around Tony’s living room table, at the Tower’s penthouse that had been previously been left unoccupied during all those months they believed Tony to be dead. Tony and Steve are on one side and Pepper and Rhodey on the other. 

There are empty cardboard containers on the table from that Chinese place Rhodey and Pepper swear by. There’s an empty beer bottle in front of Rhodey while Pepper and Steve are sipping at their wine glasses leisurely. Tony’s just been drinking water but his cheeks still look flushed and Steve knows it must be a sign of his delight. Tony’s relaxed and having fun and his face is a perfect reflection of that. Steve swears Tony’s almost shining with joy and he believes he’s never seen anyone more beautiful. It’s an honor to be one of the few to see Tony like this. 

Tony’s delighted face changes with Rhodey’s comment, though, and it transforms into an expression of genuine offense. Even so, Steve can still see the glint in Tony’s eyes, clear indication that he’s enjoying the bantering with Rhodey to its fullest extent.

“Why the hell not?” Tony asks back.

“You’re so overly competitive it’s scary,” Rhodey explains calmly as he raises one of his eyebrows. 

Tony squawks and Steve has to cover up his laughter with a cough when Tony turns to direct a glare at him. Tony then turns back to Rhodey and points at him with his right hand.

“I’m not!” Tony denies.

“Yes, you are,” Steve and Pepper say at the same time. 

This time when Tony glares at him Steve just shrugs sheepishly and smiles innocently. Tony narrows his eyes further but one of the corners of his mouth is suspiciously twitching, like Tony’s having trouble containing a smile. 

“That would just mean I’d make things more interesting, then,” Tony tells all of them. “I’m honestly feeling betrayed, Honeybear.”

Rhode scoffs. “That would be my line if we ever did play paintball. If we were on separate teams you’d be ganging up on me and I just know it. And it’d be worst if you were on my team. I trust you as far as I can throw you with these things.”

Tony opens his mouth widely and brings his left heart to his chest to place it over his heart. “You think I would betray you?”

“You never honor our Monopoly deals!” Rhodey shouts as he he throws up his arms. “You always say we’ll work together against the rest of the Avengers and then you work against me first chance you get!” 

“Lies!” Tony shouts back. “Slander!”

Steve and Pepper move their gazes away from the discussion and lock eyes from above the rim of their wine glasses. Pepper rolls her eyes exaggeratedly and takes a loud sip from her glass, making Steve chuckle.

“I really can’t believe this,” Tony’s saying. “My own best friend saying these terrible, terrible things about me.”

Steve finishes the last of the wine that was on his glass and moves to take the bottle from the table to serve himself some more.

“Steve!” Tony calls and it makes Steve stop midway to grabbing the bottle.

“What?” he asks, confused. 

“You’d team up with me, right? You’d be on my paintball team?”

Tony’s gaze is solely focused on him now and he’s wearing a somber expression, like Steve’s answer to this silly question is worth a lot more that Steve can even imagine. 

There’s only one possible answer Steve is able to give, anyway, and it’s the honest one. 

“Of course,” Steve replies. “I would always be on your team.” 

Tony’s face breaks out in a grin so big it makes his eyes squint a little and the subtle smiles lines around his eyes make an appearance. He extends the arm that’s closest to Steve and grabs Steve’s hand tightly, intertwining their fingers instantly. Steve finds it hard to swallow after that and his breath quickens slightly.

“See?” Tony asks, turning back towards Rhodey but not letting of of Steve’s hand. “Steve would always be on my team.”

“That’s because the man has no self-preservation instincts,” Rhodey says back but Steve isn't looking at him. 

He finds himself unable to tear his eyes away from his and Tony’s hand, looking so normal as they rest on the table between the two of them. It’s not the first time Tony has grabbed Steve’s hand and held on to it for a long period of time. Steve has learned since Tony’s comeback just how touchy and affectionate he can be. But it is the first time Tony has done it in front of other people and Steve’s brain is already giving the action a thousand possible meanings. 

There’s an impulse that’s growing inside him that is becoming very difficult to ignore. Steve feels compelled to run his thumb along the back of Tony’s hand, to caress the skin and draw patterns on it. He’s never done it before but something tells him Tony wouldn’t mind, that he would be happy, that it would make him smile. Steve only ever wants to do things that will make Tony smile.

“Steve.”

Pepper’s voice disconnects him from his musings and brings him back to the present, pulling his eyes from his hand and Tony’s towards her. She’s standing from her chair and grabbing the wine bottle with her left hand as she grabs her glass with the last. She’s smiling lightly and looking directly at him. 

“We’ve finished the wine bottle. Let’s go open another one.”

Steve keeps watching her for a few seconds and then his eyes travel from her face to the half-full bottle she’s holding and to her face again. 

“Okay,” Steve says, prolonging the word in a way he’s picked up from Tony. 

He stands and reluctantly lets go of Tony’s hand. 

Tony and Rhodey haven’t even noticed the weirdness of the situation as they have gone back to discussing the probable paintball betrayal issue. 

Pepper and Steve walk side by side to the kitchen, where Pepper deposits the wine bottle and her glass on the counter and then moves towards one of the cupboards. She has to stand on her tiptoes to grab another glass and then she closes the cupboard and moves back closer to where Steve has stopped. 

Pepper fills the clean glass with wine and offers it to him. Steve takes it from her hand, still not understanding why Pepper brought him here. 

He’s taking a sip of his new glass of wine when Pepper speaks again. 

“So you and Tony, huh?”

Steve fills the liquid go down the wrong pipe and he starts coughing vehemently, his eyes filling up with tears of discomfort. 

“Oh,” Pepper chuckles lightly and brings her right hand to his back, rubbing a comforting circle on it instead of patting it. 

“Everything okay there?” Tony’s voice yells from the living room sounding concerned. 

“Yeah,” Pepper yells back. “Everything’s fine.”

Steve has to clear his throat a couple more times until it feels normal again and he can swallow without it feeling scratchy again. 

“I’m sorry,” Pepper apologizes. “I didn't mean to surprise you like that.”

Her face shows some amusement it makes Steve blush. 

“What did you…” he stammers. “What did you mean about Tony and me?”

“Well,” she says as she moves a couple of steps away from Steve now that he’s no longer coughing. “The hand holding. The intense looks. The smiles. You’ve been doing it all night.”

“That’s just how Tony is, you know that, ” Steve says. 

Pepper nods. “I do. But there’s something different between you. You've been spending a lot of time together, right?”

“I guess,” Steve replies, shrugging and trying to make light of the situation.

Tony and Steve have been spending a lot of time together. Most of it, in fact. 

Pepper hums shortly and bites her wine-stained bottom lip. “I was the one who said you’d be good together, remember? Before we even had Tony back.”

Steve nods because he remembers it perfectly well. That conversation precipitated all of his revelations about his feelings for Tony and it’s accompanied him through it all. 

“Now that I’ve seen you together I’m even surer of it,” Pepper states. 

“Really?” Steve asks, his voice small.

“Oh, Steve, yes,” Pepper replies excitedly. “One hundred percent.”

Steve lowers his head to hide the flush he knows he must be sporting on his cheeks and brings a hand to the back of his neck to rub at it sheepishly. 

“You like him, right?” Pepper asks him even though her face says she already knows the answer.

“For a while now,” Steve confirms. “Maybe before he even came back.”

“Really?” Pepper asks, her eyebrows lifting in surprise.

“What can I say? You, Rhodey and JARVIS really knew how to sell him,” he jokes and it makes Pepper laugh. 

“I don’t know,” Steve says. “I’m not sure what it was that I felt back then. I think I did start falling for him when he was gone but it wasn't as real as it is now. I’m gone on him, Pepper.”

“Yeah, sweetie, you’re not exactly being subtle,” she says and it makes him groan. 

“But it’s okay,” she laughs. “It’s okay, Steve, because I can tell he’s just as gone on you.”

“Are you sure?” Steve inquires.

“I’m not inside Tony’s head but I’ve known him for a really long time. I even dated the man once,” Pepper says. “He likes you, Steve. He really likes you.”

Steve closes his eyes and bites his lip as he feels his heart breath erratically at Pepper’s comment. 

“I can’t even begin to explain how happy that makes me feel.”

Pepper finishes her wine glass and tops it off again before motioning Steve to pick up his untouched one. 

“A toast,” she says. “For you and Tony.”

Steve blows out air through his mouth. “I don’t want to jinx it.”

“Trust me, Steve,” Pepper demands. “You won’t.”

He takes a deep breath and clinks his glass against Pepper’s before chugging the wine in just one move. “For me and Tony.”

“You’re going to make such a power couple,” Pepper says, this time sounding even surer of herself than she did the first time she made that statement. 

 

_______________________________

 

Having Tony back has shifted a lot Steve’s perspectives and priorities, including the way he wants the Avengers to work now.

He’s still not sure they will ever be a family of sorts like the one he created with the Commandos but he’s tired of them existing in the kind of limbo they’ve been operating in -not quite together, not quite apart; not quite friends but something other than mere acquaintances-. 

It doesn’t take much effort to start bringing them all closer together and Tony’s presence helps a lot more than Steve could have even imagined, and he already thought Tony had been the missing piece they had been missing all along.

“It’s not so much that we were missing Tony,” Natasha tells him after one of the sparring sessions they’ve been recently scheduling just between the two of them. “Although I do think we’re better now that we have him back.”

“What do you think is the reason for the change, then?” Steve asks as he uses his towel to pat his forehead and neck dry. 

“You,” Natasha replies. 

Steve halts in his movements and turns to look at Natasha, who is seated on the floor stretching her legs.

“Me?”

“Yes, you. The change you’ve shown since Tony’s been back,” she explains. “I mean, you’ve changed since the Battle of New York and it’s obvious that you needed time to settle after waking up and finding that everything you knew was different. But now, since Tony’s return it’s like you’re… I don’t know how to explain it.”

Natasha stands up and walks closer to Steve, stopping when she’s positioned right in front of him.

“You’re softer, lighter. A little more human,” Natasha says.

Her face shows an expression Steve has only ever seen her wear around Clint before, one that feels a lot more _Natasha_ than _Romanoff._ An expression of openness, perhaps. Of her finally allowing Steve to see her true self.

“I don’t know if you were already showing this side of yourself to Pepper and Rhodey but you definitely weren’t showing it to us,” Natasha continues. “You’re finally being open with the rest of the world. You’re letting us see who you really are.”

Steve blinks at her, surprised.

He knows how skilled Natasha is at reading people, at understanding them, their motivations and their fears. It’s something he values in her as a teammate and something he admires in her as a person. He’s come to trust her assessments even when he tries to challenge them to perfect them as a team. 

This time the assessment is about him and as unsettling as it feels he knows deep in his bones how true it is, how much Natasha has understood from the little glimpses Steve’s allowed her to have.

He was right before, too. She is being more open with him, more approachable and real, and it’s all a response to his own disposition. 

Tony has changed everything by coming back because he has helped Steve change. He’s been helping him even before he knew it but now that he’s truly with him Steve is more himself than he’s ever been since before the ice. He’s maybe more himself than he’s ever been. 

“That’s what I think it is, Steve. You are what’s finally bringing the Avengers together. We just needed you to be wholly with us,” Natasha concludes.

 _And I just needed Tony to be with me,_ Steve thinks.

 

_______________________________

 

Steve’s and Tony’s first kiss happens in the most normal and at the same time most unsuspecting of times and places. It happens in the workshop. 

It might make more sense that Steve is giving it credit for but he has always been somewhat of a romantic, of a dreamer, and he thought the first time he finally kissed Tony he would do it after a beautiful night walk through Central Park. Or maybe after a romantic dinner by candlelight cooked by himself. Or even in the heat of the moment after a battle with the Avengers, dramatic love confessions included. 

But Steve has to admit this feels more _them_ than anything else ever could. 

What ends up surprising Steve the most is the fact that he isn’t actually the one to initiate the kiss, Tony is. 

Steve is just siting on the couch that he had installed in Tony’s workshop before he came back, the one that he used to sit on when he came down just to hang out with the bots. The couch that he now uses every time he wants to keep Tony company while he works, even if Tony rarely leaves his creative trance to acknowledge Steve’s presence. 

He’s been quietly drawing for a while now, tapping along to the music that’s playing from the speakers with one of his feet. The playlist Tony has decided on today is slower and more melodic that his usual choices; a mix of English, Italian and French ballads that Steve finds himself humming along to. 

Steve only looks up when he notices the silence that has settled over the room, and he realizes Tony must have asked JARVIS to turn the music off without Steve even hearing him speak. 

Steve turns his head to the left to look at Tony and finds him already staring at him. Something in Tony’s eyes keeps Steve from wondering what’s happening out loud. 

Tony stands and starts walking towards the couch. Steve incorporates a little, keeping his back to the couch’s arm but bending his legs so they’re not taking the complete length of it. 

But Tony doesn’t sit on the couch.

When he’s close enough to it, standing right over Steve’s seated form, Tony crunches down, resting one of his elbows on an empty space next to Steve’s body. This leaves Tony a little below Steve and Steve has to lower his gaze to look directly into Tony’s eyes. They’re so big and earnest, a warm and shining brown that Steve hasn't been able to reproduce correctly on any of his drawings or paintings. 

Tony’s eyes quickly move away from Steve’s own and Tony makes no attempts to hide the fact that his gaze is now focused on Steve’s lips. Unconsciously, Steve licks his lips as he swallows, feeling suddenly nervous and restless. Tony mirrors his movement twice and ends up with his bottom lip pulled between his teeth. 

It’s the worst kind of torture and the sweetest sight Steve’s ever set his eyes on. 

“Tony,” Steve whispers. 

It’s a plea and a prayer. A promise and a question. 

It’s the only word Steve really knows the meaning of. 

“Steve,” Tony whispers back.

Steve’s heart starts beating to the sound of that one word leaving Tony’s lips: _Steve, Steve, Steve._

And then Steve’s heart stops completely when, in the blink of an eye, Tony’s lips settle on his own. 

Steve’s closes his eyes mostly on instinct but he opens them again quickly to check that this is not a dream or a hallucination, that Tony really is kissing him. 

He is, Steve verifies, and this makes him close his eyes and finally give himself away to the kiss. 

Tony’s lips are already moving against Steve’s, but it’s a slow and somewhat chaste movement. It’s only lip against lip in the smallest of ways, like a caress given to a lover in secret as you’re trying not to get caught. Steve wouldn’t describe it as shy but it feels tentative, too tentative, as if Tony has doubts about what Steve’s reaction will be. Tony should never feel doubtful about them and that’s why Steve lets go of the sketchbook he’s still holding in his hands and brings one of them to the back of Tony’s head. 

He doesn’t force Tony’s head closer, he just buries his fingers in Tony’s smooth curls and runs circles on Tony’s scalp. The pressure makes Tony moan deeply and the sound awakens an all-consuming heat in Steve, a burn that starts in his veins and travels all through his body. 

That’s when the kiss takes a turn and moves from soft to fiery. 

Tony is no longer hesitating and he’s now claiming Steve’s mouth as his own. His tongue is inside Steve’s mouth and it’s tangling with Steve’s own tongue, then running through the back of Steve’s teeth, then Tony’s moving back and caressing Steve’s lips with it, making everything feel sensual and passionate. 

Steve hasn’t moved his hand away from Tony’s head so this time he does use it to bring Tony’s face closer to his own, capturing Tony’s bottom lip between his lips, tugging lightly at it and then letting it go. He repeats the movement again, invigorated by the sound of Tony’s pants. 

When their mouths separate this time they both use the moment to catch their breaths. Their faces aren’t that far apart so it’s difficult to focus on Tony properly but that doesn’t stop Steve from smiling at him. Something in him begins to sing when Tony grins back. 

“You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for that,” Tony confesses.

 _Not longer than I have_ , Steve thinks and his stomach drops.

Something must show on his face because Tony’s own expression changes quickly only by looking at Steve. 

Before Tony can start overthinking things and come to incorrect conclusions -because Steve knows him and he knows this will happen if he doesn't do something to stop it- Steve places both of his hands on Tony’s cheeks and captures Tony’s lips with his own again. The action is a little bit selfish because Steve isn't sure how Tony will react to what he’s going to tell him next. 

“I love you,” Steve says, a little breathless. Short and concise. So honest it’s almost painful. “I’ve loved you for quite some time now.”

“Steve,” Tony murmurs, his eyes wide in surprise. 

“Just let me say this,” Steve pleads. “Please.”

Tony’s mouth falls shut and he nods jerkily. 

“I love you,” Steve repeats, chucking a little. “I do. I know maybe it feels sudden but the thing is, Tony… I’ve been falling in love with you for a long time. When you were gone, when we thought you were dead, I got to know you. Kind of.”

Steve takes a deep breath before continuing. 

“The way Pepper and Rhodey talked about you, what I learnt from JARVIS, the videos and stories… It might make me sound crazy but it brought me closer to you. I know now that what I felt then was nothing compared to what I feel now.  I hadn't really known you before but the glimpses I was able to catch, the small things I saw… There was something there, a spark of love that you ignited when you came back.”

Tony still looks shocked and Steve feels his world shattering at the idea of Tony pulling away from him now that's Steve’s got him so close.

“I don’t expect anything from you,” Steve promises. “I don’t need you to tell me you love me too because I understand it’s too soon. I also would understand if this changes things for you, if you’re not interested any longer in exploring anything between us. But Tony…”

Steve sighs. 

“We could be so good, we really could. I’d love the opportunity to show you that,” Steve says. “I’d love to prove that I’m not just delusional for all this I just told you. I don’t believe in things like fate but I think I found you for a reason. I needed a reason to live and not just exist in the 21st century and you gave me that, even if I thought you were dead at the time. And it’s only gotten stronger since I really got you.”

Steve tries to smile reassuringly but he can feel how weak the smile he’s showing really is. His lips are trembling and he feels a twitch in his right cheek from the awkwardness of it. He winds up biting his bottom lip to stop it from showing his nerves. 

“That’s all I really want. I want us to try together,” Steve concludes. 

As soon as Steve’s finished talking the workshop goes silent except for Tony’s respiration. It isn't really loud but Steve’s enhanced hearing focuses on it as a lifeline, noticing how regular it seems to be. Steve starts matching his breathing to Tony’s as a means to keep himself from freaking out and hyperventilating. 

The silence lasts for a few more seconds and then Tony opens his mouth to speak. 

“Steve, all of that is…” Tony says, leaving the sentence incomplete. 

“Weird, I know,” Steve finishes for him as he shakes his head. 

“I was going to say flattering, actually,” Tony corrects. 

Steve’s head shoots up from where he was looking down at his knees. Tony’s eyes are set on Steve and his face holds no anger, disgust or weariness like Steve would have imagined. His expression looks calm and soft. 

“And if it’s weird then whatever, it’s weird, that doesn’t have to make it a bad thing,” Tony says. 

“What do you mean?” Steve asks, a flicker of hope lighting his way through the conversation. 

“You’re right about me not being able to say I love you yet,” Tony starts to explain. “I’ve got trust issues on top of my affection issues on top of self-worth issues and that makes it… Difficult for me to open myself up completely and give away all of me. But I can feel it happening, Steve, I’m falling for you too.”

Tony pauses in his speech and looks away towards his bots, then focuses his gaze on his workbench and then looks down at his hands. 

He takes a deep breath and then lets it out slowly but soundly, shaking his head. 

“That was hard to say,” Tony states, his voice trying to sound breezy and light. “I hope you appreciate the lengths I’m going for you, Capsicle.”

“I do,” Steve replies instantly. 

Tony’s using some of his usual charm and jokes to make light of the situation, but Steve really does understand how complicated it is for Tony to let Steve into his thoughts and his heart. 

Tony sighs in relief.

“Good, great,” Tony says hastily. “So what was I saying, then? Oh yeah, I remember now. I was saying that you loving me? That’s not a problem at all. It won’t ever be a problem. I’m on my way to loving you too, that’s what I was saying, right?”

Steve nods but Tony’s speech doesn’t really need any feedback now that Tony’s on a roll. 

“And the way you fell for me? That’s not a problem, either. I’m honored, actually, that you saw in me someone worthy enough of your affection even when you thought I was already gone. It’s a little unconventional, not gonna lie, but our whole life is unconventional, Steve. What’s one more thing to add to the list?”

Steve chuckles and this time Tony is aware enough of Steve’s reactions to his words to laugh with him. 

“If I’m going to be completely honest I can understand how it happened,” Tony confesses. “When I came back… You don’t know the way Pepper and Rhodey were talking about you. You helped them both a lot, you know? You shared their grief even when you weren’t necessarily grieving me and you were the example they needed that they could get through it all.”

Steve swallows and his eyes fill with tears when he remembers how hard those first few weeks were for Tony’s best friends. 

“And all my children -and yeah go ahead, be smug, they are my children- JARVIS, the bots… they’re smitten, Steven, smitten,” Tony laughs. “You treat them like real people, you care about them. And they care about you back. How could I not start caring a little bit too?”

Tony moves his body to get in a more comfortable position. He kneels and rests all his weight on his calfs and then extends his arms to take one of Steve’s hands in his own. Lowering his head slowly, Tony brings his lips to the back of Steve’s hand and places a delicate kiss on it. He separates but Steve can still feel tingles on his skin. 

“The only difference is that I had you next to me to get to know you personally,” Tony says. “But if you hadn’t been there? I don’t think there’s any possibility I wouldn't have fallen either way. So thank you for your honesty but it won’t be a problem for me going forward. Will it be for you?”

The flicker of hope has turned into a supernova and Steve feels ready to explode and be reborn. 

“No, no,” he denies. “It won’t be a problem. I just needed you to know.”

“Good,” Tony says. I think this means we can go back to the kissing, right?”

Steve laughs. “It’ll be my pleasure.”

He moves to bring his lips closer to Tony’s again but Tony puts his index finger on them, smooshing them a little.

“One thing first,” Tony says. “No, two things first.”

Steve nods, Tony’s finger still pressed to his lips.

“First, I hope you know this means we’re now dating which means you’re obligated to go on a date with me. You good with that?”

Steve chuckles. “Yeah, Tony, I’m good with that.”

Despite the distortion of his words Tony must understand him because he beams. 

“Perfect,” Tony preens. “And then second thing… This position is so uncomfortable and your lap looks extremely enticing right now.”

It’s a silent request for permission and Steve answers silently in kind, opening his arms and extending his legs so Tony will be able to fit above him. 

“Oh yeah,” Tony says as he moves from the floor.

He groans pleasantly when his knees crack from having sustained the position for too long and moves measuredly to straddle Steve’s legs, leaving him perched on Steve’s crotch, like the king of everything. 

“So much better.” 

Tony squirms to try and find the best posture and this presses down on Steve’s lower body too pleasantly. Automatically Steve fits his hands to Tony’s waist and stops his movements, and a short look at Tony’s face lets Steve knows Tony knew exactly what he was doing. 

“So,” Tony leers, his hands tracing an upwards path through Steve’s torso. “Where were we?”

“Right here,” Steve answers as he uses his upper-body strength to elevate his torso and reach Tony’s face with his own. 

The kiss is perfect, even better now than it was before. It’s like everything that was holding Steve back before has dissipated thanks to Tony’s reassurances and promises. 

Steve loves Tony and Tony knows now, and although he may not be on the same page yet he’s catching up. 

Steve’s had a head start but he’s going to make sure from now on he and Tony will only run side by side. 

 

_______________________________

 

Steve has been told not once, not twice, maybe more than a hundred times, how good of a leader he is. Other compliments and praises he’s been given in regards to his work have been that he’s a great strategist, a superb fighter, an inspiring man and a brave soldier.

Steve takes pride in all of these things and he’s not ashamed to admit it. He’s worked hard to become the person he is today and, at times, he’s worked even harder to become a hero everyone can be proud of supporting.  

He knows he’s not perfect and he knows his list of flaws would be considerable if he were to write them all down but he’s learnt that it’s not so important to be flawless. It’s a lot more valuable to learn from ones mistakes and defects, to let them shape you into a better person. You need to be aware of those little imperfections to keep humble and human, because the moment you think yourself faultless is the moment you lose most of your humanity. 

But the most important thing Steve has learnt throughout his life in regards to what other people think about him and what he then thinks of himself is that nothing matters to him most that what his loved ones see him as. 

There’s nothing more important than doing right by the people he loves.

There’s nothing more important than the views of the people that love him. 

Pepper tells him often he’s one of the kindest people she’s ever met. She normally says this after Steve has done something special that he thinks will brighten her day like brought her her favorite Starbucks drink to her office, sent her a funny puppy video he saw online or given her one of his most recent drawings. 

Pepper’s also one of the most supportive people Steve’s ever had about his art and she never fails to comment on his talent and the beauty of his creations. She has some of Steve’s pictures framed and on display in her office and she’s helped him show some of his art anonymously in small, inconspicuous galleries. 

Rhodey says Steve’s one of the funniest people he has ever met. Steve doesn't think this is one of the things most people would comment on about him but his and Rhodey’s sense of humor match almost perfectly. They’re both sarcastic but it’s a little dry, almost too serious to be understood as real humor some times. 

Rhodey also comments often on how Steve is one of the strongest people he knows, not in the literal physical sense but in the emotional one. Their military backgrounds give them insight onto each other’s psyches more frequently than not and Rhodey never ceases to be in awe of how much Steve’s had had to endure both as a soldier and as a man. 

Natasha tends to describe him as honest. Honest because he rarely lies to any of them and honest in his intentions. They’ve recently established an strong rapport together and she’s become bolder around him. She speaks her mind and challenges him when she’s not happy with one of his decisions and although she has never said it out-loud Steve knows she also thinks of him as a determined -at times stubborn- person. 

Clint’s goofy side sees Steve as a perfect target for his pranks and Steve’s gracefully decided to view that as a compliment. Clint’s serious side sees Steve as a comforting presence when his mind  is spinning way too fast for him, an empathic person, a good shoulder to lean on. 

Bruce thinks of him as an understanding and open-minded man. Through their various debates and late nights watching documentaries they’ve created a resilient bond that, while not the closest or strongest in the team, isn’t any less important for them. 

Thor usually sees the best in all people but Steve still feels happy to know someone like him considers Steve an honorable comrade and fellow fighter. Thor uses the word worthy to describe Steve like it holds a lot more meaning that he’s come to understand. 

These people’s opinions and judgements have grown to sustain Steve through his every day living, they’ve become as important to him as Bucky’s support and friendship, or Peggy’s belief and love once were and still are to this day.

But above all, above everything else anyone could ever think about him, the most important word for Steve can only be Tony’s. 

And Tony has many, many things to say about Steve in any given day. 

Tony calls him a romantic every time Steve plans any special dates for them. He usually follows the statement with an eye roll but Steve is always able to spot the blush that colors Tony’s cheeks. He would most likely deny it but Tony loves the care Steve takes to plan special evenings for them. He likes feeling pampered and cherished and Steve loves making him feel that way. 

On days when they fight -because no matter what they’re Steve and Tony and they would fight their own shadows if there was a way to do so- Tony calls him bull-headed, self-righteous, a perfectionist, a hypocrite and a million other names. He always, always apologizes after. Some times it takes him hours and other times it takes him days; some times it’s a straight-forward apology and other times it’s laced in so many embellishments and sarcastic quips that Steve has to decipher it. But Tony always apologizes. 

Still, Steve knows a good deal of Tony’s complaints are valid and true and he works hard to do better, to become more understanding and flexible, less demanding and controlling of things. Knowing Tony is aware of this part of Steve, the less than stellar part, is exciting in a way. It means Tony accepts him, likes him despite the parts of him that could do with a change. 

“It means I wouldn’t want you to change even those less than stellar parts, Steve,” is what Tony says one day when Steve’s talking to him about it. 

Tony becomes the first person to call Steve a riot in bed. Steve’s been with other people before, a few, not many, and none of them ever had any complaints. The way Tony speaks about it, though, is something Steve will never get used to. The words Tony whispers in his ear when they’re together, the compliments he pronounces as they’re laying in bed panting while they try to catch their breath, are something Steve won’t ever repeat in public. 

But he does love running them through his head frequently.

The first time Tony tells Steve he loves him is also the day Steve finds his favorite descriptor for himself.

Because the first time Tony tells Steve he loves him is also the day he calls him the love of his life. 

Steve Rogers has been, is and will be many things throughout his entire existence: a leader, a soldier, a man out of time, an Avenger, a friend, an stubborn fighter, a science experiment, a hero, a lover, a talented artist, a simple man.

But the one thing Steve hopes he will be forever remembered as is the love of Tony Stark’s life. 

Their love already defied the laws of death and oblivion once, Steve thinks, so it wouldn’t be a surprise if it transcends beyond them when they’re both long gone. Theirs is a love story for the ages. A miracle of life. 

(See? Tony does really know him well. Steve is totally a romantic at heart.)

 


End file.
